Music

Corey Feldman wants $100,000 from you to make his best album ever

by Richard Howard

Have you had the pleasure of hearing Corey Feldman’s recent musical pursuits? No? You’re missing out.

Following his coming out party at a 2013 Limp Bizkit gig where the band backed him for the shittiest cover of Billie Jean ever, Feldman has released a handful of videos and tunes, each one somehow surpassing the last in terms of pure WTF power. He’s been making terrible music for decades, but thanks to the interwebs, he can now properly share his art with the masses.

Behold the entertainment double threat that is Corey Feldman:

I know what you’re thinking – you’ve just found your favourite new artist and you need more. Well, Corey knows as well – and for that very reason he’s going to be releasing his first double album Angelic 2 The Core, chock full of 22 gems like the one above. But he can’t do it alone. And that’s why he created the Elev8or 2 Ascension fundraising campaign, in which he asked fans to provide him with the trifling amount of $105,000 to pay for the album’s mastering, artwork, duplication, distribution, or marketing.

“But Corey,” you might ask, “aren’t you a well known actor from The Goonies and The Lost Boys? Shouldn’t you be able to pay for this yourself?”

Well, on his Indiegogo page, Corey explains (in a mini-essay packed with unnecessary Internet abbreviation to the point where you want to drive an icepick into your eye sockets so you can no long see it) that “after 10 years (!!!!) of financially backing this project” he has “no budget left.”

Yep, Feldman (whose Skrillex lookalike/vampire cruise ship waiter transformation now seems to be complete) is basically Kanye-ing and claiming he’s broke due to self-financing his super superior art. Which, by the way, has failed to succeeded not through any fault of his or a lack of talent. No sir. You know whose fault it is? It’s John Travolta’s.

Feldman’s missive is full of gems like this, including an almost worrying delusion that his videos have received hits due to their artistic merit as opposed to people wanting to see clips that have been pegged as some of the worst of all time.

But to summarize those for you, I’d have to read that affront to the English language again, and I refuse to put myself through that. So instead, I’ll blow your mind with some of the incentives Corey offered up – in his own ‘words’ and in ascending order of both monetary value and insanity.

$10 USD – Insta Pic

I will take a pic on request of whatever U want me 2 do, n post it 2 my insta acct 4 U. I will pose, in any way U like, or take pics of my house, my studio, or what my closet looks like…up 2 U! NOTE* nothing vulgar or offensive & NO NUDITY! Just good clean fun!

196 out of 200 claimed

$40 USD – Facebook Friendly

1 of the top requests I get from U guys, is 2 add U 2 my Friends list on FB. Its a tricky thing as FB caps it at 5000. Though U can have as many followers as U like, U cant add more friends! HOWEVER as a special PERK I have managed 2 clear up 200 spots! So don8 2day, B a FRIEND 4 LIFE! NOTE* (I will only toler8 friendly fire n positive comments! If U tweet anything I percieve as negative towards me or any of the #Feldfam on my acct, your priveledges will automatically be revoked.)

51 out of 200 claimed

$150 USD – Follow me, I will Follow U!

#Everybody who follows me on Twitter already knows I dont follow back unless U R a close personal friend or business relation. I do this 2 keep my news feed down, & not confuse things 4 myself while tweeting. However, I will break my own rule n follow my supporters. Plus a digital download.

6 out of 22 claimed

$500 USD + Shipping – Feldman phone service

4 FeldFam members donating $500 U will receive everything listed in the $250 catergory plus an exclusive Voice mail message recorded by Corey as “Himself”, “Edgar Frog” (Lost Boys), or “Donatello” (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), The message can say anything U want (profanity not acceptable) for a time period of up to 2 minutes,

1 out of 100 claimed

$10000 USD – Concert in your backyard

Thats right, U heard it correct….If U R able 2 contribute 10k U will be offered the very rare opportunity 2 have Corey & his Angel band come & perform exclusively 4 U in your own back yard while on their tourring route. They will make a special stop in your town 2 do a private show, w a private guest list, and the set list of your choosing….just make sure U hav plenty of towels 4 the band 2 dry off, as Corey tends 2 sweat a lot during his performances! (Exclusive 2 residents of the USA)

0 out of 3 claimed

Before you break out your dad’s credit card and drop 10 grand to secure a sweaty Corey Feldman in your backyard, we have some bad news – you’ve just missed your chance as the campaign closed on April 17th. How did ol’ Feldman do? Not quite as well as he’d hoped.

In a month, 451 backers raised $14,902 – which probably doesn’t even cover his monthly Rogaine expenses. It’s a tough break, but you can bet this won’t stop Corey. As he reminds us, “Goonies NEVER SAY DIE!” God bless you, Corey Feldman.