In 2012, a very small number of artists are profitable to the major labels. These foolishly bloated corporations, relics of a once-prosperous industry, are still tied up in ridiculous amounts of overhead. Only the biggest, most established artists with a wide reach give these labels any hope of breaking even, and these are the artists that get milked and massaged for every last dollar they could possibly earn. As a result, you find the biggest pop stars get creatively marketed by their major label teams, offering VIP appearances, an absurd amount of product endorsements, and bizarre merchandising.

We thought it would be fun to comb through some of the biggest pop stars’ official online merchandise stores and see what kind of garbage they’re all hustling. Though it might seem so at first, none of these are fake. They’re all pulled from official merchandise stores, and they’re all insanely stupid.

1. One Direction – Hot Water Bottle Cover (£12.00)

Is there any segment of One Directoin’s fan base that actually needs a hot water bottle? When you’ve got those “boyband queasies” in your loins, use the One Direction hot water bottle cover!

2. Rihanna – Studded Eye Patch ($30.00)

This just looks like bondage gear. Oh, it features the Rihanna R logo? SOLD.

3. Adele – Tea Towel (£8.00)

Nothing says “I’M SO BLOODY ENGLISH” like having a tea towel in your official merch store.

4. Snoop Dogg – License Plate Frame ($5.99)

Yes officer, I’d like to report of a Ford Excursion driving erratically down the highway with smoke billowing out the windows. I didn’t get the license plate number, but it had a Snoop Dogg license plate frame.

5. Wiz Khalifa – Rolling Papers ($10.00)

He’s really clinging hard to that rapper who likes weed a lot identity. Actually, I take it back. This isn’t a stupid item at all. I kind of want some.

6. Justin Bieber – Dental Floss ($3.99)

Hey, at least he’s promoting good dental hygiene amongst his young fanbase. And $3.99? That’s a competitive price for floss!

7. Lil Jon – Armband that says WUUUUUUUT! on it ($5.00)

Next time you’re in the club, and you can’t hear what someone’s saying to you, just point to your cool new wristband.

8. Katy Perry – Lightwand ($10.00)

The Katy Perry website advertises that this product “will keep you entranced for hours.” I’d say they’re underestimating their own fanbase, but…

9. Nicki Minaj – Pink Wig ($25.00)

That thing looks like it would fall apart 5 seconds after you put it on your head, and then you’d be finding weird synthetic pink hairs in every meal you eat for the next 5 years.

10. LMFAO – Party Rock Funnel ($19.99)

Every day I’m guzzlin’. Make sure you also get the companion product, the LMFAO Stomach Pump.