Everyone knows who David Hasselhoff is and, more importantly, that one is not to hassle the Hoff. You probably recognize him as the detective who talked to a car on “Knight Rider”, hirsute chest-barer Mitch Buchannon from “Baywatch” and its criminally underrated reunion movie Baywatch: Hawaiian Vacation, or simply from his brief time spent eating a cheeseburger off the floor. But it will shock you, as it did me, to learn that Hasselhoff has released 18 pop albums. 18! That’s eight more than Michael Jackson, and as we all know, in the music biz, quantity always trumps quality.

So to shed light on Hasselhoff’s largely overlooked pop output, let’s run through his complete discography. I can do it if you can.

Night Rocker (1985)

This was a shameless attempt by Hasselhoff to capitalize on his successful TV series, so much so that the cover features him standing on KITT. And it worked – this pup hit #1 on the prestigious Austrian charts, and a music career was born.

Lovin’ Feelings (1987)

A more tender sophomore effort, Hasselhoff continues his seduction of Austrian audiences, and admirably reins back on the subject matter, presenting the ballad “Life Is Mostly Beautiful With You”. Not more beautiful than he ever could have dreamed, just… y’know, mostly. He chases that with the undeniably creepy “Go Away Little Girl”, which I like to call “Theme to Statutory Rape”.

Knight Lover (1989)

Controversy! Consisting of tracks culled from his first two albums, Hasselhoff sued Sony for releasing it without his consent, claiming it “never should have seen the light of day”. The case was thrown out because that statement applies to all of David Hasselhoff’s music.

Looking for Freedom (1989)

Not content to end 1989 on a sour note, Hasselhoff released his most successful album to date, Looking For Freedom. Its title track soared to #1 in the big three markets – Austria, West Germany and Switzerland – and the song was such a hit in the Bratwurst Belt that Hasselhoff was called upon to sing it atop the Berlin Wall while it was being torn down!

For a world-changing event of that magnitude, there’s no look more appropriate than an LED jacket coupled with a piano key scarf. Having conquered Germany, David Hasselhoff was ready for the world… but was the world ready for him?

Crazy For You (1990)

Well, of course not. I had trouble finding any info about this one, aside from this music video for its titular song. This being his fifth album in six years, the Hoff was likely battling a bit of burnout and as the old saying goes, “When you run out of ideas, rip off the Village People”. And he does, from the “YMCA” sound-alike all the way down to the gay biker.

David (1991)

In the music video for the first track “Limbo Dance”, Hasselhoff comes off as both a shill for Jamaican tourism and racist. Surrounding yourself with black island folk and singing lyrics like “Limbo good / Limbo fine” comes off as just a titch patronizing, Hoffer. Germany thought so too, or maybe they were finally experiencing Hasselhoff overload, because the album couldn’t edge past #12 on the charts.

Everybody Sunshine (1992)

Another year, another Hasselhoff album. The lead single was selected as the theme song for the 1993 International Youth Games, which is apparently a thing. Who can’t get behind Hasselhoff’s vague dream of a world of “children laughin’, children dancin’, singin’ a song”?

You Are Everything (1993)

At this time, Hasselhoff began shoehorning his singles into episodes of “Baywatch”, no doubt frustrating the legions of teen boys who were only tuning in to pleasure themselves to Yasmine Bleeth’s bangin’ bod. How do I know? Because I WAS ONE OF THOSE TEEN BOYS.

Du (1994)

Leading up to the release of Du, Hasselhoff had a plan: a pay-per-view extravaganza called “David Hasselhoff and his Baywatch Friends” that would propel his American singing career to European levels. Unfortunately, on the night it was scheduled, another TV event became a ratings bonanza: the OJ Simpson Bronco chase. Thus, he claims, the millions who would have watched didn’t. Or as I claim, the two sauerkraut-drunk German immigrants who would have watched didn’t.

Looking For… The Best of David Hasselhoff (1995)

A rare moment of honesty from Hasselhoff’s label as they plainly admit that selecting the best of David Hasselhoff requires a laborious search. This greatest hits compilation is most notable for becoming the focus of an Internet campaign to sarcastically fill his Amazon listing with glowing reviews. The ground rules: you have to mangle his name, and you have to note that the track Hot Shot City is particularly good. For example:

“As Dunky Roddensteiner’s salvation is now available to all of us, I cannot resist, but must insist every single man and woman to buy this pure gold, and spread the word! The Hoff is with us, the Hoff gives hope, and salvation is finally bestowed upon us. Oh, the song Hot Shot City is particularly good!”

David Hasselhoff (1995)

Yep, he has an album called “David” and an album called “David Hasselhoff”. Apparently there was a big US push behind it that culminated in a high-profile gig at… SeaWorld? How do you say “Thank you, SeaWorld!” with a straight face? A facelift is a good start.

Hooked on a Feeling (1997)

I tried to find a music video for the lead single, but I could only find David Hasselhoff’s appearance on “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job”. No, wait… that’s the video. The Hoff soars through the air, poorly superimposed in front of settings like an African savannah. This marks the end of Hasselhoff’s “Self-Serious Period” (1985 – 1996) and the beginning of his “Ironic Period” (1997 to present), when he realized there was more money to be had lampooning his ridiculous image in Ben Stiller movies and Comedy Central roasts.

The Magic Collection (1999)

As far as I can tell, this is just Night Rocker re-released with a new cover. Since it doesn’t feature him flexing in head-to-toe leather, it constitutes a vast improvement.

David Hasselhoff Sings America (2004)

Davey tries to take the shortcut to breaking onto the US charts by cashing in on post-9/11 nationalism with his versions of songs like “New York, New York” and “California Dreamin'”. Of course, America responded with a collective “fleh”, but Austria got a kick out of it.

The Night Before Christmas (2004)

Ah, the Christmas album, a valuable tool in the utility belt of any artist who can’t be fussed to write their own music. For Hasselhoff, it’s his second all-covers album of the year and probably his most listenable. I mean, Christmas music already sucks, so does it really matter who’s singing it?

David Hasselhoff Sings America: Gold Edition (2005)

This is a combo pack of the last two releases. Since neither of them even came close to charting, I’ll assume they got around the false advertising aspect by wrapping it in gold foil, like chocolate coins.

A Real Good Feeling (2011)

After those albums, Hasselhoff stepped away from the studio to dabble in stage acting, star alongside Adam Sandler in Click and pursue his interest in alcoholism. But the world was waiting… okay, Belgium was waiting. And in 2011, David finally delivered “A Real Good Feeling”. The video for the lead single is standard, borin’ ol’ Hoff. He sways about by the ocean, zips around in a hot car, and nothing stands out as particularly… wait! Is that –

Yes! The piano key scarf! I take it all back. A++++ would watch again.

This Time Around (2012)

Finally, album 18, released in February. Hasselhoff presents a collection of showtunes fit for Broadway-goers old and old. And what else do confused seniors like as much as Broadway? That’s right, QVC! Well played, Hasselhoff. If it’s good enough for samurai swords, it’s good enough for you.

And with that, we reach present day. I’ll be sure to check back in when he puts out #19, which should only be a few weeks from now. Thank you, SeaWorld!