Music

As I Lay Dying singer sues prison after growing "unsightly breasts" behind bars

by Richard Howard

When former As I Lay Dying frontman Tim Lambesis was arrested and eventually convicted in 2014 for attempting to hire a hitman to murder his estranged wife, we all thought: “Well, that’s messed up. Definitely the weirdest thing we’ll ever hear about in relation to that guy.” Incorrect, my friends.

Loudwire recently discovered that Lambesis filed a $35 million lawsuit against two Southern California detention facilities for denying him prescription medication and “gross negligence.” The drug in question is anastrozole, used to offset the symptoms of anabolic steroid withdrawal (oh yeah, during the trial it came out that Lambesis loves steroids). But his main complaint isn’t about the insomnia or mood disorders that sometimes occur during this type of withdrawal. Nope, the singer is charging that in the two-month period he did not receive his medication, he experienced “exponential terror” due to potential “male breast development” and that he now suffers from gynecomastia – the swelling of breast tissue in males due to a hormonal imbalance. But let Tim paint the picture for you in his (clearly self-penned) legal complaint that may well be one of the most insane reads ever.

“Panic striken [sic] — at these initial signs of gynecomastia, I began to physically shake uncontrollably; shivering with battling anxiety and depression. Such chronic anxiety caused me to compulsively rub and scratch myself excessively and upon unusual places of my person…I could not help but test the painful sensitivity of my fully formed breasts with hardened hurtful nipples, I examined my body compulsively, frantically…As I am a stage performer by profession, much of my act is based upon the visual stimulus of audience perception — i.e., as a front man of leading rockstardom, my continued success is contingent upon my projecting a favorable physical image.

Now, with the advent of these unsightly breasts, my music career shall undoubtedly suffer monetarily.[/quote]

Now, with the advent of these unsightly breasts, my music career shall undoubtedly suffer monetarily. Therefore I demand compensatory relief: recompense the medical cost of the surgeries necessitated to redress my breasts to normal, masculine comforts; recompense the projected costs of psychotherapy thus in treating the mental trauma…recompense the loss of revenue concerning my career as a stage performer — i.e., the adverse affects [sic], monetary losses, that my unsightly breasts have had upon my illustrious, tremendously marketable and exceedingly profitable, image of commanding physicality. Even my songwriting has been adversely affected as my guitar brushes against my sensitive breasts thus disrupting my very concentration ceasing valuable production.”

Between the rampant delusion of continued “rockstardom” and the cries for sympathy over a condition brought on by his own narcissism and resultant abuse of a controlled drug, it’s not too surprising that his punitive damages claim was thrown out of court. The medical negligence claim, however, is scheduled to go to trial in August of next year, where we can expect to enjoy further overshares regarding the status of Tim Lambesis’ breasts.