Music

Read the DEA's cringe-inducing guide to rave culture

by Jeremy Mersereau

Ever wanted to know what the US Drug and Alcohol Enforcement Administration thought about dance music and rave culture back in the day? “Yes”? Oh… uh, OK. It’s your lucky day, then.

MuckRock has gotten their hands on a 15-year-old report from the DEA entitled “The Rave and Club Culture/Designer Drugs”, in which the agency lays out everything it knows about ravers and PLUR culture, just so agents undercover in the field can talk the talk (‘have you seen um… Holly?’), and correctly determine if a raver is rolling face or candy flipping.

Originally written in 2001, the info in the report comes from a one-day seminar hosted by Sergeant [REDACTED], a retired police detective from Torrance, California, who “has been going to raves since 1992 and is extremely knowledgeable in this area.” Well, clearly: if the Sergeant’s dance music genre breakdown is anything to go by, this is a raving lifer who definitely knows what he’s talking about:

*In extremely irritating, superior chin-scratcher voice* Ambient is “slowed down trance?” Come on, even “music for airports” would be more accurate. That said, the rest are… not too far off the mark, actually, at least if your electronic music knowledge begins and ends with “a rave is defined by music.”

The report begins with the sarge’s quick-and-dirty rave history breakdown, which is reasonably correct, if simplified to the point of inanity:

The sergeant goes on to identify some salient points about attendees; heretofore unknown data about the offshoot evolutionary subspecies known as ‘ravers’:

SGT. DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: “The habitat of the Raver stretches from the Mojave to the Pacific Coast. They can reach land speeds of 60 mph and their diet is composed mainly of burritos and molly water. Their courtship consists of massages and head rubs, which feel as good as sex to us humans. Ravers actually wear hats on their feet and shoes on their heads, and drive their cars backwards while breathing out pure oxygen.”

Elsewhere, Sarge’s California demographic breakdowns are on point:

I guess Hot Topic narrowed it down to one (Palestine? Gun control?) since 2001:

Mr. Rags is still my go-to source for jorts.

Anyway, if this hasn’t sated your appetite for hilarious mental images of cops studiously taking notes about PLUR and kandi kids, head on over to MuckRock to read the DEA’s report in full. Just don’t use your newfound cultural literacy for evil (i.e. narcing the hell out of those ravers).