Music

Aliens are too afraid Tom DeLonge will have sex with them to ever make contact

by Tyler Munro

I’m with Tom DeLonge: Aliens Exist.

I mean, how could they not? We live in a universe with an estimated five hundred billion galaxies, and scientists assume at least 100 billion of those have habitable, Earth-like conditions. It’s ignorant, and arrogant, to assume we’re all that’s out there.

So why haven’t we met these aliens yet? It’s Tom DeLonge’s fault.

Aliens aren’t going to make contact with humans because, let’s face it — they’re afraid Tom DeLonge is going to have sex with them.

He’s been outspoken about his alien experiences; he says he’s had such extensive contact with extraterrestrial life that the government is using mind control to silence him.

Thing is, he’s also sung about his desire to fuck a dog in the ass.

As he sings: He tried to fuck your mom in the ass. He tried to fuck your dad in the ass. He could only find the dog, and it’s ass.

What if he can’t find a dog? Do aliens have asses? They’d better hope not.