Music

Gwar will never replace Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl

by Tyler Munro

When the NFL announced that its first outdoor Super Bowl in 38 years would happen in the heart of New Jersey, the narrative seemed too good to be true. Bruce Springsteen was off the table for the halftime show since he killed it in 2009, but every football fan loves Bon Jovi, right? This had to be their year.

Well too fucking bad, football fans, you get Bruno Mars instead. No, you can’t be upset, and here’s why: the NFL doesn’t care. It doesn’t need to. With 23 of its 32 teams valued at more than a billion dollars and an average $286 million-per-team revenue each year, the league has got its fans locked down. The halftime show isn’t about the dedicated group that will in all likelihood spend most of the intermission on the toilet, it’s about the spectacle locking in outside viewers. It’s about the exorbitant amounts of money and the exclusive commercials we won’t get in Canada. The Super Bowl is often the most viewed television event in North America by a considerable margin, and you can’t honestly think that’s just because of the game. This season’s inaugural Monday Night Football scored its best Nielsen rating in franchise history with an 11.6. NCIX averages 12.3 for the year.

I’m a recently converted fan of the NFL, having watched the game extensively only over the last three or four years, but I can tell you exactly where I was when Justin Timberlake exposed Janet Jackson’s nipple and the weird, sun shaped shield that latched onto it. Do you want to know what I was up to when Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers performed mid-way through the New York Giants upset over the New England Patriots? So would I. We vaguely recall the catastrophically bad job Madonna did two years ago not because of how sub-par it was (very), but because of how fresh it still is in our minds. That year sucked, LMFAO sucked, Nicki Minaj sucked—hell, even the game sucked—yet all I can really recall is the forced controversy over M.I.A.’s middle finger that’s still lingering today. The Black Eyed Peas were even worse the year before, but all I remember about their performance is Usher’s silly shoes, the desperate Tron gimmick and an incredible game between Green Bay and Pittsburgh that made a fan full time fan out of me. The Super Bowl halftime show isn’t boom or bust; it’s either memorable or it isn’t. And when it isn’t, we forget we were ever riled up about it.

The reason the NFL is so successful is because it’s much, much smarter than you or I. It cuts deals with Bridgestone or Pepsi, who between the two of them have sponsored each Super Bowl since 2007. Those sponsors then cut deals with record labels or studios or agencies. The Super Bowl halftime show isn’t about engaging the fans, because that’s what the game is for. It’s about pushing a new movie or album or TV show. It’s about giving the people who aren’t fans something to watch, because no network dares go up against NBC on Super Bowl Sunday. In 1992, Fox counter-programmed the Super Bowl with a special live broadcast of In Living Color, stealing 22-million viewers away from the Redskins/Bills game. The next year the NFL gave Michael Jackson a truckload of money and produced one of the most watched television events of all time.

Many will point to a petition being circulated online that asks the NFL’s Senior Vice President of Communications to consider Gwar for the 2014 Super Bowl. Gwar’s Dave Brockie is a noted Redskins fan and so there’s at least a jumping off point for his petition to exist, but even as you consider its nearly 40,000 signatures we’ll point out that more than 111 million Americans watched last year’s game between the Baltimore Ravens and San Francisco 49ers. Crunch the numbers and there’s no comparison. There’s a chance more than a few of those viewers tuned in to watch Beyoncé; can you imagine how many would turn off to avoid Gwar? The petition in question amounts to little more than a clever marketing boost. Want to know the heaviest act to play the game to this point? It’s a toss-up between The Who, U2, and Aerosmith. The most controversial? Uh… Nicki Minaj?

When the league landed on Ryan Seacrest for its opening Thursday night game, they had to know he’d be booed by the Broncos fans eagerly awaiting their stand against the defending champion Ravens. Ryan Seacrest had to know he’d be booed, too. Neither probably cared much. Even with an irritating weather delay, that game was watched by more than 25 million Americans who, whether they liked it or not, now knew of Seacrest’s new game show.

Bruno Mars is what makes the entire game a de facto holiday in America. He’s there for the sons and daughters who’d rather be watching Family Guy and don’t want to watch their drunk uncles’ favourite bands stumble through their 30-year-old hits. He’s there to entertain, and he’s very, very good at his job.

Bruno Mars is an accomplished and successful songwriter who, aside from his own hits, has helped give artists like Cee-lo and K’naan the extra edge to hit the top of the pops. He’s had five number one singles since 2010 and once got Leonard Nimoy to walk around in a bathrobe for the alternate “Lazy Song” video.

Maybe some of Bruno Mars’ fans tune into the game and fall in love with it. Maybe they don’t. The NFL won’t notice either way. The regular season starts back in September and life goes on.