I am in the stage of my engagement where I am thinking about music and playlists. I now have an “anti-playlist” of redundant “wedding” songs, which double as terrible songs in general. Wedding season begins soon, so the likelihood that you will be subjected to some cringe-worthy music is high. Follow along as I break down the songs that should never be played at weddings, even though we’ve heard them all before.

The Top 40s:

 

Beyoncé – Single Ladies

This is usually the song that blasts when the bride gets ready to throw the bouquet. The desperate and hormonal women gather around in hopes of catching said bouquet, which promises swift nuptials for that woman. What’s more embarrassing is when some of them try to actually do the choreographed dance that Bey Bey so famously does (try is the operative word).

Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling

Bridal party comes in. Bride and groom come in. DJ starts yelling some bullshit about getting ready to party. The base drops and everyone gets excited and jumps around thinking that this song was written specifically for this wedding. It’s not. Everyone plays this song and everyone hopes that the night is going to be a good night.

Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean – Hips Don’t Lie

This is another song that has women thinking they are able to move their hips just like Shakira does. They can’t.

Bob Sinclair – Love Generation

I can understand why people liked this song in 2006, but that’s where it should have stayed. It’s bad enough when you come back from Europe with all those fantastic Euro songs in your head. Two years later they finally become popular in North America and you’re like, “Guys, I told you about this two years ago.” Anyway, Bob Sinclair has all the fun, sing-songy anthems that get played way too much at weddings.

Lou Bega – Mambo Number 5

In one hit wonder news, Lou Bega and his jazzy number are always a guaranteed play at weddings. It’s awkward because there is no specific place to put this song – it doesn’t belong with the top 40 stuff but it also doesn’t belong with the foreign shit either. So when you hear the beginning of the song everyone kind of stops on the dance floor and wonders what to do.

Journey – Don’t Stop Believing

This is not karaoke nor is it the series finale of The Sopranos. There is no need to ever hear this song. It is perhaps the most dramatically lame song in the history of pop music.

Bon Jovi – Livin’ On a Prayer

What’s worse than hearing this song, is attending a wedding where they have a Bon Jovi cover band. The crowd goes nuts thinking that this is the hottest rock song of all time. The men rock out and start screaming the chorus. This is also the point in the evening where the DJ cuts the music at certain parts of the song just to hear how loudly and terribly the guests are singing.

AC/DC – You Shook Me All Night Long

Unless you are Beavis and Butthead rocking out to AC/DC, it should never happen. I take back what I said about the crowd thinking Bon Jovi had the best rock song of all time. When this track starts playing the air guitars come out signalling that it is time for the old rockstars to sit down and the DJ to take the party in a different direction.

The Slow Jams:

K-Ci & JoJo – All My Life

Bring back the grade 7 school dance memories by playing this tune (I don’t really mean you should bring it back). There is nothing sentimental about this song considering the two dudes that sing it are a couple of criminals.

Peabo Bryson feat. Roberta Flack – Tonight, I Celebrate My Love

Here’s the thing about this one – it was my parents’ first dance song in 1984. Then they got divorced, so for a long time whenever I heard this song I was angry and bitter. Notwithstanding, the song still sucks. The lyrics are ridiculous and the song is just way too slow.

Bob Carlise – Butterfly Kisses

Remember when this song came out? It was the guaranteed father/daughter dance choice for that entire year. Back then I wasn’t a driver so I relied on my Mom’s taste in easy rock music stations that played this song over and over. Oh! And Don Jackson, that guy loved to tell stories about touching stories about children and their fathers. There is no such thing as a butterfly kiss. Stop naming kisses.

Train – Marry Me

I’ll admit to reading every bridal magazine known to be published throughout my engagement and some of them include ideas for first dance songs. This song was one of them (insert puke face here). Firstly, the couple as agreed to be married and at this point they are married – so there is no need to beg the “marry me?” question. Not only that, but this song also falls in the it’s too slow for anyone to dance to – watch for people nodding off category. This is not what you want at your wedding. No one cares about your first dance to begin with, please don’t bore them by listening to Train whine about love.

Shania Twain – From This Moment On

I don’t like Country music and I don’t like Shania’s shrill voice. Don’t play this song.

The Foreign Tunes:

Umberto Tozzi – Ti Amo

I don’t understand a word of this song but hear it at every wedding I attend. You would think that it’s only the Italians that play the shit out of this track but you’re wrong – everyone thinks it’s the most romantic thing ever. My sister is dating an Italian guy and I’ll likely lose my mind when they eventually get married and inevitably dance to this song which reminds me of old people.

Aventura – Obsession

I’ll admit to liking this song when it first started playing. I liked it so much that I went out and bought the Aventura album just for the song. It turns out that this version is only a remix and was not included on the album; I was pissed. Anyway, this song is annoying because it gives guests the impression that they, too can dance to Spanish songs. This flows right into my next video…

Elvis Crespo – Suavemente

This song is usually included in the DJ set with all the mainstream Spanish music. It is this song specifically that make people really believe they are able to salsa and if you are sitting on the sidelines you are given a really great comedy show. I want to add that it took me and four other people to remember what the name of this song was and I am grateful that someone else knew what I was talking about based on my awkward description.

Los Del Rio – Macarena

I don’t need to explain this, right?

Songs with Too Much Profanity/Songs Old People Wouldn’t Understand:

Cee Lo Green – Fuck You

Even if you get them to play the Forget You version of this song, there will be the rebellious teens who will yell the real lyrics.

Jay-Z & Kanye West – N*ggas in Paris

There is no way to make this song appropriate for your Grandmother to hear.

MIA – Paper Planes

I’m unsure there is any MIA song that is appropriate for a wedding setting but this one is number one on the list. I’m not sure if it’s the gunshots or the provocative lyrics that have me wondering why anyone would decide to play this song at their wedding.

Lil Wayne – Lollipop

The shocking thing about this song is that it gets requested by my 12 year-old cousins who know every lyric. This scares the shit out of me. This song isn’t even appropriate for whatever amount of hearing your Grandmother has left.

David Guetta feat. Akon – Sexy Bitch

“Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood whore.”

Of all the songs in the world, there must be enough to keep a wedding reception respectable and lively. I’m not sure I understand why everyone resorts to using the same terrible songs. The worst is come summer when wedding season really ramps up and there are weddings to attend every weekend. I will leave you with what I think is some pretty sound advice: if you are getting married, make a list of songs that your DJ can absolutely not play no matter who requests it. Naturally, if you are the wedding attendee, please don’t get so drunk so that you scamper over to the DJ booth and ruin the night by requesting something ridiculous. Spread the word and help abolish bad music at weddings.