I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don’t yet own a truck but I’m beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cabs’ whole fleet of cars in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can’t say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their website. Which’d be fine.

My situation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good, as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you, yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know

a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm-in-arm by two UK policemen on to a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that’s going to happen to me if I don’t take drastic action.

Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun, and it’s VERY depressing.

So I’ve been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers

so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which, a friend of mine uses dating agencies

and half the men actually have wives.

Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man. He must be no younger than 44.

Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.

Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.

Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

Leather trouser-wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, farmers and Robert Downey Jnr will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

I like me a hairy man, so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

No hair gel.

No hair dryer use.

No hair dye.

Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

No aftershave.

Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.

Must be wham-bam.

Has to like his mother.

Has to like his ex and/or mother/s of his children.

Has to live in own place.

Countless rumours have it that opera singers are recommended to have sex half an hour before each show. So by even applying you are part of my artistic advancement.

Interested parties can apply at (for real): vampyahslayah@yahoo.com