Music

Chief Keef might name his baby after a website

by Jeremy Mersereau

Thanks to technological advancements proceeding at an exponential rate, the world becomes more and more incomprehensible with each passing day, and the inexorable march toward the singularity continues. Previous generations could never have imagined simulating sex with a VR headset, or a super-efficient way of denying loans based on people’s voluntarily abandoned privacy. “What are you talking about?! Does Stephen Harper know about this?!” – people over 45 right now. On the plus side, we’re probably going to get to see the first robot to go on trial for murder in our lifetime, so there’s that! Orange-Juicerbot231 did nothing wrong!

Breakout Chicago drill scene rapper Chief Keef announced in a press release last Thursday that he would be promoting his album Bang 3 by naming his new baby after the streaming website that will be releasing it on Sept. 18th, FilmOn.com, which is owned by Greek hologram billionaire Alki David. Keef’s newborn was to be named Sno FilmOn Dot Com Cozart, until a paternity dispute recently came to light. Alki David, whose family owns Coca-Cola bottling plants in 28 countries and who is on point on this for some reason, said in a statement:

“In light of new developments disputing that Chief Keef is the father of Baby Sno, the streaming TV and music platform FilmOn.com is retracting the right to let the mother, Lauren Woods, use the middle name FilmOn Dot Com until paternity is settled. We wish Ms. Woods all the best.”

Grandma: “I think the Chicago drill scene, though derided for its attendant violence and slayings, is a net positive force for at-risk youth from troubled areas, and Keef’s anti-violence hologram concerts should be allowed to proceed as scheduled.” Pfft, you’re so out of touch! Anyway, back to the Millennials and Gen Z’ers: I can’t believe OJ-231 got off! However many Bitcoins he datastreamed to the Cochrane AI, it wasn’t enough.