Music

Steve Aoki remixed Celine Dion's Titanic theme with nightmarish results

by Jeremy Mersereau

In Dante’s Inferno, the titular Dante journeys through the nine circles of hell with his strictly-platonic pal Virgil, taking in all the sights and sounds that it has to offer and basically just going “hmmm, that’s interesting” like a bored guy in a museum. Each circle of hell is chock full of sinners suffering contrapasso, or ironic punishments, based on the sin they committed while they were still on this mortal coil.

For example, the lustful are battered by gale-force winds, symbolizing their uncontrollable carnal urges, and the gluttonous are forced to lie naked in a ditch of disgusting poop while freezing rain falls on them. How uh, ironic. *pushes away bag of Oreos.* Stop fat-shaming, Satan!

One circle of hell that goes curiously unmentioned by Dante is the one for those guilty of having bad music taste, wherein a throng of sweaty, crazed sinners gyrate to repetitive beats played by a talentless clown, whose ‘ironic’ remixes take on a nightmarish quality the more painfully terrible they become.

Oh sorry, I’m getting confused… that’s actually Belgium’s Tomorrowland festival, where Steve Aoki turned Celine Dion‘s Titanic torch ballad “My Heart Will Go On” into a generic EDM banger, because that’s all it takes to make a crowd go bonkers, apparently. “Do you trust me?” he asks the crowd before dropping the Dion, and illustrating exactly why we should never trust him.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate:

In case that wasn’t enough to eradicate your faith in mainstream EDM forever, here’s always-tasteful DJ David Guetta’s new song, which he played at the same festival. The masterful composition appears to be a reinterpretation of “If You’re Happy and You Know It”:

CUT TO: Demonic DJ Belial in the eighth circle of hell: “Damn, that’s a hot track!” *spins it on turntable made of skulls*