Music

Katy Perry wants to buy a convent and the nuns are not happy

by Jeremy Mersereau

Since time immemorial, the eternal battle has raged on, with the fate of the human race hanging in the balance. On one side: truth, righteousness and purity. On the other: lust, debasement, shark dancers and sexy cake outfits.

Katy Perry — a.k.a. a human guise of the Goetic demon Malphas — is embroiled in a dispute with the sisters of the Los Feliz Immaculate Heart of Mary convent over who gets to purchase the property. Perry feels that it should be her, since she has completed the paperwork and agreed to pay $14.5 million in cash, while the sisters say otherwise.

The dispute centres on a disagreement between the Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez and the Immaculate Heart nuns over who has the legal right to sell the convent. Immaculate Heart was emptied of most of its resident sisters against their will in 2011, when the archdiocese decided to relocate them. When the few remaining nuns still living in the convent learned about the sale to Perry, they did a little Internet research.

“Well, I found Katy Perry and I found her videos and… if it’s all right to say, I wasn’t happy with any of it,” Sister Rita Callanan told the Los Angeles Times. The nuns, presumably scandalized by Perry’s relentlessly formulaic hits and artless double entendres, acted quickly and sold the convent to a local restauranteur. Also apparently a sticking point: Katy Perry’s flying around during her Super Bowl performance. “I thought, is that a way to make money? Maybe I could fly around. I could be the flying nun,” said Sister Rita. Granted, if the nuns started zipping through the air when I was in Sunday school, I never would have left.

Perry visited the estate recently to try and smooth things over, showing the nuns her Jesus tattoo (haha yeah I’m sure that worked wonders, historically nuns are all in on tattoos) and singing “Oh Happy Day” for them, presumably in an attempt to remind the sisters of her roots as a Christian singer.

While she apparently made a good impression, the nuns are sticking with their current buyer Dana Hollister, who plans to turn the convent into a hotel. The archbishop’s lawyer contends that the sisters had no legal right to sell the property and that three of the five remaining nuns have signed a declaration affirming the archbishop’s right to sell. In the end, it looks like the battle between good and evil will be decided in the courts of Man.