Film + TV

This pastor thinks Taylor Swift is turning your children gay

by Mark Teo

Whenever we need a pick-me-up, America’s fundamentalist Christians are always there to provide us with a good chuckle. And we’re not just talking about the Westboro Baptist church (even if that ministry is covered in the urine of a Canadian black metal band): Remember the rappers who tried to sue Katy Perry over witchcraft? Or Bizzle’s homophobic, hilariously unfunny parody of Macklemore’s “Same Love”? Or the bizarre is-he-or-isn’t-he-a-man-of-God saga of disgraced As I Lay Dying member Tim Lambesis? Never change, fundamentalists. And we know you won’t.

Of course, we’re not laughing at all Christians—the craziest, and often dumbest, cross-section of zealots aren’t representative of an entire faith. Instead, we’re laughing at how comedic certain evangelicals can get, and today, we’re giving daps to author and pastor Larry Tomczak, who you may recognize from must-read titles such as The Little Handbook On Loving Correction: How To Raise Happy, Obedient, Respectful Children. As it turns out, when Tomczak isn’t telling you how to lovingly beat your offspring, he’s waxing poetic about the—in his words—the “avalanche of gay programming assaulting your home” that threatens to turn your children gay. And part of that avalanche is Taylor Swift.

In a recent op-ed for the Christian Post, Tomczak argues that the “homosexual lifestyle”—which, dropping a bomb from Romans 1:24, he calls a shameful perversion, or something equally false—has a disproportionate sway over television programming. He points to sexy American Idol commercials (“a handsome hunk was struggling with his electronic device until a hot babe told him about Amazon Kindle,” he writes lustily), Greenwich village servers, and LBGT characters on the Good Wife. The horror!

Tomczak thinks that these characters will convince viewers that homosexuality is a “beautiful, natural, and acceptable” way of life.

Riiiiight. As for TayTay, according to the pastor, she’s recruiting girls to the, uh, “lifestyle.” Despite the fact that Swift doesn’t identify as a lesbian, by appearing on shows like Ellen, Tomczak believes she’s leading impressionable, straight, could-be-Christian ladies right into the fiery den of Beelzebub. (Are we doing this right?)

Here’s Tomczak’s list of homosexuality promoters in TV.

• Super hyped “Empire” series starts with Oscar nominee Terrence Howard having a homosexual son – and he’s a hunk. [ED NOTE: LOL]
• “Glee” features over five gay characters.
• Home and remodeling reality shows regularly feature lesbians and gays in partnerships exploring homes.
• “Modern Family” features a gay couple who married over two episodes recently.
• “Ellen DeGeneres” celebrates her lesbianism and “marriage” in between appearances of guests like Taylor Swift to attract young girls.
• “Dancing with the Stars” hosts a gay judge and gay couples.
• “Biggest Loser” had lesbian Jillian Michaels as a role model coach.
• “The Good Wife” now has a lesbian/bisexual investigator.
• “Scandal” has two gays.
• “2 1/2 Men” just added a lesbian daughter.
• “Grey’s Anatomy” highlights a lesbian couple with their child.
• “Survivor” and other reality shows regularly parade homosexuals as contestants.
• Anderson Cooper boasts openly on TV he’d rather “have sex” with a man
  plus co-hosts New Year’s Eve festivities nationwide.

Of course, it’s still useful to know that Tomczak’s not a garden-variety Christian. Instead, he’s pretty batshit—he’s stated that God is punishing gay men by making them effeminate, and punishing lesbians by making them “mannish.” Um, alright, Larry. We’d dispute that, but we’re too busy watching Ellen.