Sports

Axl Rose thinks the Red Hot Chili Peppers have microchips planted in their butts

by Tyler Munro

via Reddit

When Flea played an unplugged bass at the Super Bowl, he drew the ire of many—who were adorably naïve. Pantomime instrumentation is the norm at the halftime show; the performance only allows stagehands minutes to wire and mic. Still, the Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist took the unnecessary task of explaining himself.

“We thought it better to not pretend,” he wrote on the band’s official website. “It seemed like the realest thing to do in the circumstance.”

Ultimately, Flea compared the experience to making a music video. Sure, they’ve mocked bands who’ve played to backing tracks in the past, but as football fans, RHCP said playing the Superbowl was too good to pass up.

The end, right? Wrong. Enter Axl Rose.

Ignoring the fact that nobody asked him, Rose decided to jump in with a rambling, lengthy open letter for the Hollywood Reporter, called “In The Name of Science.” In it, he likens the performance to the pseudo-sign language at Nelson Mandela’s memorial and calls the New Jersey crowd the “largest karaoke audience ever.”

“In the name of science and for all mankind Flea courageously had a newly invented breakthrough in microchip technology installed in his ass that picked up the frequencies of his bass and transmitted them to his amplifier,” wrote Rose.

And then it gets weird. He says that maybe the band all got microchips in their asses, and then openly wonders if said butts get Direct TV. Then, he hypothesizes some elaborate technological conspiracy theory.

“This is probably all just Google finding new ways to enrich our lives with the selfless volunteering of the Peppers and the ever ongoing creative process of true innovation,” he continues on. “Or perhaps a new lounge bar record of super magnificent proportions and a new pinnacle of human achievement not seen since the sign language guy in South Africa!”

Uh-huh…

Axl, joking or not, your crazy is leaking. Read the full letter below:

In The Name Of Science

In regard to the internet’s “no wireless” controversy regarding the Red Hot Chili Peppers Superbowl performance as reported on ESPN…

I enjoyed the show and I’ve no idea what the real story is nor would I want to suggest or imply anyone wasn’t actually performing or that what they were playing wasn’t what we actually heard. That said I feel it’s important to always look on the positive side of things and to give the benefit of doubt.

So consider that maybe sometime before their actual performance that rather than use a guitar cord or standard wireless, that in the name of science and for all mankind Flea courageously had a newly invented breakthrough in microchip technology installed in his ass that picked up the frequencies of his bass and transmitted them to his amplifier.

Maybe they all had microchips installed in their asses and not only pick up the frequencies of their instruments but get Direct TV and the internet too! Like Google Glass… Google Ass! They could be “Scientific Pioneers!” Like Buzz Aldrin and shit! True (pardon the pun) ASS-tro-nots! Or like Superbowl crash test dummies for bands kinda like those cars that drive themselves!

And besides… If the band wasn’t really playing or wireless or whatever and Anthony was really singing they may have set a new world record for the largest karaoke audience ever! Awesome!

So relax and show some pride! This is probably all just Google finding new ways to enrich our lives with the selfless volunteering of the Peppers and the ever ongoing creative process of true innovation or perhaps a new lounge bar record of super magnificent proportions and a new pinnacle of human achievement not seen since the sign language guy in South Africa!

God Bless America, the Peppers n’ technology… PN’T!

Ax