Film + TV

Relive the Golden Globes Best Picture nominees through their soundtracks

by Anne T. Donahue

We don’t get to talk much, you and I. Why? Well, first, I’m very busy trying to watch every movie that might be nominated for an award so I can say, “YEAH I SAW IT, WHAT, YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” And second, I’m very busy fighting with people about whether or not it is, in fact, a game.

But do you know what isn’t? This year’s Golden Globe nominees. Or more specifically, the Best Picture (both Drama and Comedy/Musical) nominees. And even more specifically: their corresponding soundtracks. I listened to everything from James Horner’s Rush to the anthems in American Hustle. Here, my thoughts and feelings about everything first—and then how I think they rank overall. 

 
1. 12 Years a Slave

Review: I think we can all agree that on top of the emotional trauma  of watching this movie (but so help me God that doesn’t mean you don’t watch it — you watch this, do you hear me?), the soundtrack only adds to said feelings, making you, understandably, want to curl up and cry. (Which, understandably, you then do.) So how do you review a soundtrack that both brings back memories of you sobbing, then delivers songs by the likes of Alabama Shakes and Alicia Keys? Answer: you do not. You merely accept that this is what soundtracks are for (awakening feelings you didn’t know possible), and you thank the heavens for “songs inspired by the movie,” and you move on.

Rating: 14 tiny Oscars lined up, leading you to Best Picture

 
2. The Wolf of Wall Street

Review: After you get over the disappointment of Kanye West’s “Black Skinhead” not making up all 16 tracks, you realize getting over that disappointment was actually temporary, and every song still feels like garbage compared to what we were given in the trailer. (Minus songs by Eartha Kitt and Sharon Jones because any soundtrack immediately powers up if their names are spoken anywhere near it.) So is it Wolf-ish? Sure. These songs were absolutely in the film. But will they help you re-live the mania of watching a three-hour montage? In the words of Leonardo DiCaprio-as-Jordan Belfort himself, “Absolutely fucking not.”

Rating: Leonardo DiCaprio waiting for his name to be called for an Oscar that will sadly be given to somebody else.

 
3. Captain Phillips

Review: Instead of wondering what it was like to be Captain Phillips, you can crank composer Henry Jackman’s original motion picture soundtrack as loud as you want, and re-live the horror, exhaustion, and anxiety all over again. Some songs consist of just a few notes for added “AHH BE CAREFUL THE PIRATES ARE RIGHT THERE WHY CAN’T THE BOAT GO ANY FASTER” effect. Happy January!

Rating: Six copies of the soundtrack to Tom Hanks’ That Thing You Do!

 
4. Nebraska

Review: “Hey, Anne, what’s it like to plunge into the dark depths of small town life?” Well, if you’ve seen Nebraska, you already know. Why would you even ask me questions like this. (YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?) But if you haven’t seen Nebraska, congratulations: you can replicate the sad, quiet vibe through Mark Orton’s instrumental masterpiece. Play it on your iPod at the grocery store for added effect.

Rating: Eight locals sitting around a bar watching a sports game on mute.

 
5. Gravity

Review: Remember the time you were almost killed in space? Well, you are certainly about to thanks to the soundtrack by Steven Price that is somethings nothing but silence. SILENCE. Who does that? What is that even ABOUT? Does he think we’re in space for real? Maybe. I mean, yes, technically, yes, Earth is located in space. And in space, nobody can hear you talk about why you have to watch Gravity on your computer and not in theatres because otherwise it’s too overwhelming it is just TOO MUCH. And so is this, I’m sorry.

Rating: 100,000 copies of John Mayer’s “Gravity” being thrown into space.

 
6. Inside Llewyn Davis

Review: Wow, okay, we get it, Oscar Isaac. You’re talented and eclipse Justin Timberlake and bring tears to our eyes. Yes, absolutely I will let you sing for me. Yes, we can totally hang out. For sure, I will take care of your cat. Yes, I will sing a duet with you. Totally, I will support your musical career. Not even Marcus Mumford can ruin this for us.

Rating: A trillion cats, all playing guitar.

 
7. Rush

Review: Listen, it’s all I can do not to write any of this in a sports broadcaster’s voice from the 1970s, so I’m not going to fight it anymore: SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY Ron Howard goes HEAD TO HEAD with Martin Scorsese for a chance to win a GOLDEN GLOBE (GLOBE, GLOBE). But first, do you like RACING? Do you like music composed for a movie about RACING? Do you like David Bowie and Thin Lizzy? Then [race car sound] you will enjoy Hans Zimmer’s Rush — a soundtrack for the … track. [Car honking.] (Now THAT was a Rush.)

Rating: A David Bowie cover of Paula Abdul’s “Rush.”

 
8. Her

Review: You know, I really want to sing the praises of Her‘s soundtrack. Why? Because it’s got music from The Breeders, Arcade Fire, Karen O., Scar-Jo and Joaquin Phoenix. But I can’t. I can’t because we don’t have it yet. And we probably won’t even get that technology that will help us fall in love with a machine until after it’s cool, either.

Rating: Approximately 3.14 question marks.

 
9. Philomena

Review: The Philomena soundtrack consists of beautiful, mystical songs by Alexandre Desplat. But it does not consist of Dame Judi Dench singing, speaking, or repeating lines from James Bond, and for that, we will always be at a loss.

Rating: 12 occasions of Dame Judi Dench making James Bond feel like an idiot.

 
10. American Hustle

Review: HELLO, PERFECTION. Hello, gorgeous. Hello, me, recreating Jennifer Lawrence’s kitchen dance set to “Live and Let Die.” Right, so you know those movies that have terrific songs in the actual movie, but then the soundtrack has maybe one of those songs and just a load of instrumental pieces? And it’s horrible? THE WORST, RIGHT? Okay, well calm down because that is not the case with the American Hustle soundtrack. On the contrary, it includes the creme de la creme of what you see in the film, minus Led Zeppelin, but shhhh. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Donna Summer is playing. Let’s all dance with Bradley Cooper and Amy Adams.

Rating: 75 Golden Globes with Jennifer Lawrence’s hair.