Music

Listen to Bam Margera kill metal forever with his band Fuckface Unstoppable

by Josiah Hughes

Each Friday on Garbage Day, we rummage through pop culture’s trash cans and pick the week’s grossest item to keep forever. This week, we look at how Bam Margera ruined metal and our lives.

Though there’s already a website called Metal Sucks, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea for Blabbermouth to consider purchasing that name. Amongst all of the standard metal blog stories about whatever Lemmy and Ozzy ate for dinner this week, along with unwanted updates about that horrible emo pedophile from the UK, they manage to drum up some of the most atrocious metal-related YouTube videos I’ve ever seen. And I commend them for it — without them, I wouldn’t always have something to write about for Garbage Day.

This week’s no different, with all sorts of odd music news making me want to retreat to a tree house and spend the rest of my life listening to limp-dick twee. For one thing, they’ve got a news item up about Journey guitarist Neal Schon, who’s set to marry his reality TV star fiancé Michaele Salahi. That’s not all, however — the nuptials are set to air on pay-per-view.

The special is called Winter Wonderland Wedding and Music Event, and will feature performances by Journey along with some “Very Special Guests.” For a mere $15, you can watch the marriage live on your television set, hosted by two Emmy nominees I’ve never heard of. Sorry, Journey, but as of right now I’ve officially stopped believing.

Much respect to Mike Patton for allegedly, at one point, making interesting music (to me it’s always sounded like circus music for meathead goons), but Faith No More is not aging well. And it particularly sounds bad when it’s performed acoustically in the desert.

Via Blabbermouth, we get to watch Mariangela Demurtas of a band called Tristania kick it in the middle of nowhere with a guitarist named Francesco Marras on this Faith No More cover.

Visually, she showcases her obnoxious guitar pick earrings (indisputable fact: guitar pick accessories, like Fender t-shirts, are a universal sign of bad taste) before launching into some hella funky dancing, like a mom imitating the Matrix bullet dodging technique in her water aerobics class.

On the audio side, Demurtas’ thick accent at least adds some charm to this otherwise absolutely atrocious cover, all rockin’ acoustic guitar chords and squeaky clean, over-processed drums. Music is straight up the worst.

Of course, it wouldn’t be metal in 2013 without some bro’d out chongos doing something bro’d out and chongo-y. Few people do that as well as Sully Erna, frontman for the human tribal tattoo of a band Godsmack.

Taking a break from grunting out his gross butt-metal angst anthems, Erna has chosen to star in a horrendously low-budget horror film called Army of the Damned. It’s about zombies or demons or whatever, and the cops who shoot them with fake looking guns. Peep that poster.

The trailer offers the same awkward dialogue and low-rent cinematography as flicks like Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, except, you know, without either of those awesome things. There’s also a guy wearing a fake Black Flag shirt, with the name Reason to Fight sprawled across. Presumably, it’s in reference to this hickory working class hardcore band. Yeesh.

Shocking, I know, but the film’s not getting a wide release. Instead, it’ll meet what is undoubtedly a massive demand with an on-demand release on December 3, with a DVD release to follow on January 14, by which point we can only hope DVDs themselves are obsolete.

Of course, none of this is bad enough to get the coveted Garbage Day crown (which is made of cartoon-like fish skeletons and rancid meats). That title belongs to the douchiest doucher of them all, Bam Margera.

What was once a legitimately reputable career of jumping into bushes and playing with his balls is now something much grosser, as Bam’s a reclusive millionaire sitting around in his velvet-clad mansion, listening to Velvet Revolver and working on a fashion aesthetic that reaches Velveeta levels of cheesiness.

Just how clueless, awful, white trash and shit-for-brainsed is Bam Margera? He’s currently working on a new album with his brother (Boom Margera or whatever) under the moniker Fuckface Unstoppable. Read that again. Fuckface Unstoppable. And you thought dudes who lived off of Red Bulls and Hot Rod meat sticks had already reached peak douche music with that band called Five Finger Death Punch.

Anyway, Fuckface Unstoppable have just let loose two cover recordings from the shittiest bowels of hell. The first is a cover of UK metal act Anathema’s “Sleepless” featuring Dani Filth, vocalist from every edgy mall-dweller’s favourite metal band Cradle of Filth.

From the gross, clean guitars to the over-dramatic vocals to the up-tempo drums to the Call of Duty aggression of the chorus to, well, every single aspect of these horrible four minutes, this is unquestionably one of the week’s worst offerings. I think I just grew a goatee while it was on. I suddenly have an unexplained affinity for Criss Angel. I feel a strange urge to go get a heartagram tramp stamp.

There’s no way it can get any worse than that, right? Oh, you foolish, naive optimist. It gets much worse. Bam also teamed up with Nate Bergman, the vocalist for a band called Lionize that describe themselves as “groove-heavy stoner rock meets dark reggae.” And what did they cover? Why, everyone’s favourite sordid rock ‘n’ roll rockin’ rock band Turbonegro.

Depending on their motives, they may have just succeeded — their goofy, aggressive take on fist-pumper “Get It On” will succeed in making sure you neither want to listen to rock ‘n’ roll nor get it on ever again. The pieces of shit who sit in the cheap seats and pick fights with families at hockey games listen to music like this while they wait for their questionably young girlfriends to finish class.

So there you have it — Fuckface Unstoppable have succeeded in ruining rock ‘n’ roll a little more this week. All the while, Bam Margera smugly sits on some steps, enjoying a cigarette in his medieval Burning-Man-meets-Spencers-Gifts outfit and thinks he’s the coolest guy in the world. I’d rather let Johnny Knoxville do weird stuff to my dick than listen to this music.