Music

10 of the sexiest Moist songs that are maybe NSFW

by Mark Teo

With Moist announcing a spat of reunion shows, in Canadian music circles, there’s been no shortage of chatter about David Usher and the boys. And why not? As one AUX reader commented, “”David Usher is pretty much universally considered a hot, socially conscious God.”

You don’t need to tell me twice. After all, I’m a well-known supporter of the band’s “greasy fuck rock.” See, I predicted that their reunion would feature “towel-optional steam rooms and aphrodisiac hors d’oeuvre platters, adorned with raw chocolate, yohimbe root essence, and rhinoceros horn.” I once gushed that Usher’s “pillow talk vocals” sounded like he was singing “with his teeth clenched around a ball gag.” And I’ve called their debut, Silver, a “coitus-scented masterpiece” full of “stripper-pole classics.”

So yes, I’m stoked that Dave and the boys are strapping on the PVC pants for one more kick at the bucket. And you better believe that I’ll be tearing up the Vaseline-slick dancefloor when they play my town. Because there’s no denying the titillating, orgiastic appeal of Moist—and here, their 10 sexiest songs.

 

Push

Sample lyric: “Push, just a little too late / Is this what you want, what you need / Is this what you wanted me to be / Always loved me strapped to you / Lock it down and drive me through.”

Our take: When David Usher talks about it being “a little too late,” we assume he’s being literal—when he’s “strapped to you” in his chariot of lust (i.e. your garden-variety sex swing), you’ll be occupied until the wee hours of the morning. Don’t get pouty, though. That’s a full 18 hours spent exploring the carnal, sensual contours of Eros. So push!

 

Freaky be Beautiful

Sample lyric: “You tickle my fancy, tickled my sense of fun / You claw like a rack on my back, ever thickening / It’s just begun … My crallow bird waiting, shallow breathed shrapnel lung / I’m pressing the beak to my cheek and it’s thickening.”

Our take: Ah, so the light graze of a feather is the straw—the tickle—that broke the camel’s back. And “by broke camel’s back,” we mean “caused a series of volcanic, multiple male orgasms.” And what the hell is a crallow bird? Do you mean the beaked mask Tom Cruise wears in Eyes Wide Shut? Guy, that’s a plague doctor costume.

 

Break Her Down

Sample lyric: “And she knows it’s a sin / Break him down, break her down again / It’s a sin / Force him down, force her down again / If you play quietly, I’ll let you go”

Our take: Um, guys? All this talking of “forcing” and “playing quietly” is really, really disturbing us. For real.

 

Picture Elvis

Sample lyric: “Rain on my tongue / Feels like I’m tasting God / Silver and gold / Drinking the riches up / Back to the night / And if I died / I’m gonna ask my questions on the other side / And all she wanted was a photograph.”

Our take: “It’s for my toddler. He’s at that age where he should know better,” Usher told the salesperson, as she packed away a set of water-resistant plastic bedsheets.

“Sure,” she replied knowingly. “You don’t want your stuff soaked with pee.”

“Sure,” said Usher, with a grin. “Sure.”

 

Creature

Sample lyric: “Pumped thumping, ripped it open / My disease is buried deep in all sweet things / We’ll never change / Spoiled rotten by your secret / Still I like to hold your creature close to me / It drove me insane / So here’s to you, girl / Opened up to make me easier / I was the one to never change / And I come, and I come like rain.”

Our take: Usher notoriously contrasted sexual imagery with drug iconography—though  he came off less like a junkie, more like a sex addict. For that reason, he also extends his obsession into addiction into an exploration of disease; like cancer, his unstoppable sex drive is terminal, yet Usher doesn’t want a cure (and like cancer, there perhaps is no cure). So, once he’s put down his soggy copy of the Kama Sutra and he’s, uh, “pumped thumping and ripped open,” expect him to ensnare you in The Milk and Water embrace until he makes it rain. And believe us—it ain’t gonna rain milk and water.

 

Low Low Low

Sample lyric: “Spread gently for me / Too hard to be heard / Too late to be so real to me.”

Our take: When Moist talks about spreading, we get the sense they’re not talking about Nutella. However, their plans may also involve Nutella.

 

Silver

Sample lyric: “Come touch and feel and lick and smell / This envy that I’ve worn so well … So drink me in / Like tainted wine / Come bite down on my sharpened cup / And taste the dreams that numb the mind / A simple word / A harmless glare / That binds me with the thinnest thread / And pins me down to pleasure’s bed.”

Our take: That’s the first time we’ve heard it called “the sharpened cup.” I mean, we’ve heard it called the beef whistle and the cranny axe, but the sharpened cup? Dang, Moist is on that poetry tip, man! And we refuse to touch, feel, lick, or smell anything that isn’t covered in a protective layer of sanitized latex, because…. *shudder, reaches for the Purell*

 

Hate

Sample lyric: “Dragged me out / Frightened by my nakedness / Frightened by my own sweet smell / I know, I know, I know / Hate.”

Our take: Oftentimes, authors employ sarcasm—by stating the opposite of what they mean—to tease the emotion out in their words. So let us translate this lyric: Don’t be frightened by that smell, says Usher. It is yours. You own it. God gave it to you, and for that reason, it is not to be shamed—it is to be loved, caressed, enjoyed, exploited. Bodies are bodies, and while they are vessels for the soul, the soul also thirsts for the sweet candy of the flesh. David, am I doing this right?

 

Tangerine

Sample lyric: “Tangerinin’ like a rocket / Cracked the cock into the socket / Only if you’d love to see him waste away / Cause you’re a child and that’s alright / To let my deep blue sickness smother you with lies / And if I’m low, it gets me high.”

Our take: Stop it with whole forbidden-fruit-of-the-flesh motif, Ush. STOP IT. Because that’s a child, but that’s precisely why it’s NOT alright. And if that’s what gets you high, then all the methadone in the world can’t fix you. Crack your cock into the sockets of something your own size—and age.

 

Place

Sample lyric: “Kills forever knowing full well we will all get by / She comes over rips me open / Just to see my / special little place.”

Our take: You could literally search up every time the word “place” occurs in this song, then replace it with the word “dingle.” No one would even notice.