Music

6 typical metal band promo pics

by Tyler Munro

Heavy metal is one of my favourite things, but even I can’t pretend that it isn’t hilarious—and not just to outsiders. One of the most common ways metal invites ridicule is with its image, deserved or not.

But we’re not here to argue about why bullet belts are silly or why poofy mullets don’t need a comeback. We’re here to state the obvious: more often than not, promo pictures don’t do metal bands any favours. It’s hard to pull off a proper band picture without looking a little goofy, but below you’ll find the six most common examples of bands seemingly going the extra mile to look silly. Some are obviously more ridiculous than others, but remember, we’re poking fun out of love, not malice. Strictly speaking, these bands are all pretty great. Don’t shoot the messenger!

Theatrical, hilarious costumes

Finntroll

Fleshgod Apocalypse

Powerwolf

The looming, longing distant landscape shot.

Paysage d’hiver

Primordial

Wolves in the Throne Room

The Darken

Rob Darken

Rob Darken

Rob Darken is a bit of a doofus, but his promo pictures both as a Lord Wind and with Graveland are the stuff of legend. Photos like the above have led to countless imitations and reinterpretations, from Varg Vikernes to Triskèle, and each is more hilarious than the last. The concept is simple: you’re in medieval times, you’re about to go into battle, but first, you must casually pose in the woods.

Triskèle

Varg Vikernes (Burzum)

The bad photocopy a.k.a. the contrast tweak

Mütiilation

Sargeist

Vlad Tepes

Here’s a black metal staple. It’s an exaggeration of the already ridiculous corpsepainted look, amplified by shitty Photoshop contrast boosts and filters.

The Photoshop (Blend Edition)

Falkenbach

Darkspace

Lost Horizon

Lost Horizon… again

Can’t make it to the wilderness? Your shuttle for outer-space already leave? Don’t worry. That’s what computers are for!

Tough Guys!

Fear Factory

Prostitute Disfigurement

Suffocation

Though not a rule, it helps if one of your band members is crossing his arms. Fear Factory’s Dino Cazares gives it his best shot, but falls a little short of the tradition.

Of course these are far from the only examples, but if we expanded, we’d risk falling down the proverbial rabbit hole. There’s plenty of other classics that have developed over metal’s 43 years, including the “party thrasher” and less interesting “bands casually standing in front of a brick wall” tropes, but the ones up top were our favourites.

Would we liked to have included this picture of Wormrot performing for a goat? Sure, but these are all official press photos and this one’s been a bit of a mystery since it first popped up online.

Would we liked to have included this picture of Mütiilation’s Meyhna’ch in a wheelchair for some reason? Sure.

But again, this is an album cover, not a press picture, and one Mütiilation picture is probably enough. It’s not like it’s Lost Horizon or anything. Oh, Lost Horizon. Metal misses you.