Sexting with style

by Mish Way

May 16, 2013

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When I am on tour, I text way too much. Ask anyone in my contact list. It’s out of sheer boredom. When you are trapped in a van for nine hours a day there are only so many times you can listen to the same album over and over, flip through the same magazine, reread the same book, or stare out the window at the same boring highway. It’s a rolling prison and texting is the only connection to the outside world. As much as I need a lot of time to just sit and work and be completely alone (I am a writer, after all), I am also extremely social. I need people. I need contact. I need the back and forth. I need the brains of others.

I’m also flirtatious by nature and constantly thinking about sex. Okay, not constantly, but when I am in the van on tour I think about sex a lot. Sex is fun and liberating and my mind wanders. Suddenly old rusty billboards just turn into rock hard penises. I’m kidding. That never happens. (I don’t take acid anymore.)

The life of a touring musician means you are never really in one place for more than 24 hours at a time. I’ve been to every major city in North America (and some really shitty ones too) a million times over, but I’ve never seen more than the inside of a club, a back room, and a hotel. Big shocker. It also means that maintaining a healthy relationship with another human being who is not your bandmate seems pretty much impossible. I mean, it has been done. But it’s pretty tough, and you need to bend the rules.

I have this friend. Let’s call her Hether Fortune, because that is her name. She fronts a really amazing rock band (Wax Idols), as does her husband (TV Ghosts), but they live in different states. Hether and I were talking about sexting one day. “Sexting is so hot,” she said. “But sooooooo frustrating!” Hether knew the sexting game well being a touring musician and having her husband live miles away.

On tour, sexting is kind of the ultimate. It keeps you entertained and it’s private enough that you can do it with a van full of people around you and nobody would be onto you. Unlike phone sex (http://heartymagazine.com/blog/why-i-failed-at-phone-sex), which requires privacy, sexting can be done at the club, in the van, at a McDonalds. Whatever. There is a reason teens love it. Teens know what’s all the rage.

We live in a weird world now. We communicate in less than 140 characters. Some call it cheap. Others call it efficient. I don’t know what I call it yet, all I know is that when you sext on tour you have to follow some rules or else you will end up a fool. Firstly, your sexting partner must have wit and confidence. They have to be just as on board as you are or you are going to be drowning. Sexting is fantasy and if the person doesn’t have two creative brain cells to rub together it’ll be a snooze. A good sexting partner can be tested out with non-sexual texts first. The sharper, the funnier, the crazier, the better.

Secondly, when sending sext photos you have to be aware of the risks. Some people are assholes when things end and they will do nasty things with those photos if they are heartless, sociopathic, or simply immature. If you are worried about your tits and face ending up together, in the same photograph, on the internet, then be sure to always angle your sext photos to cover up your face. It’s really easy. An iPhone was pretty much designed to cover your identity when you shoot yourself nude in a bathroom mirror. Snapchat is also a good option for now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t naked pictures. It enables one to send photos and videos to people in their contact list, but once the image is viewed, it’s deleted forever. Snapchat was invented for dick pics. If the user tries to take a screen cap (which is pretty impossible, believe me I have tried) then you, the sender, are notified.

Thirdly, when sexting, you should always keep your phone locked. Bandmates get bored and nasty on tour and if you leave your phone open on a sext, sitting on the seat, they will read it. They will laugh about it. You will never hear the end of it. Keep your business private. Unless you’re one of those awesome Lydia Lunch exhibitionist types.

Sexting is stupid, but it’s also really fun and kind of exciting and, ultimately, just another thing to do when passing the time in the van. Being a touring musician means you basically are living like a teenager, so you might as well act like one. Sext away.

This article originally appeared in the May 2013 issue of AUX Magazine. Download and subscribe for free in the App Store.

Tags: Style, News, white lung

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