Music

On her 28th birthday, we remember that time Scarlett Johansson tried to be a singer

by Tyler Munro

Our American brothers and sisters will gather together today to celebrate life and family on Thanksgiving Day. While they’re more than a month late, it’s the thought that counts, and so we decided to join in. Because today isn’t just the fourth Thursday in November: it’s also Scarlett Johansson’s 28th birthday. And if there’s one thing we’re thankful for, it’s that she’s never released a second solo album.

The problems with Anywhere I Lay My Head didn’t just stem from how bad it was; they were bigger than Scarlett Johansson’s terrible tone and lack of charisma. It’s that the album peddled itself as something other than it was. Anywhere I Lay My Head was supposed to be a pet project, separate from what Lindsay Lohan was singing and distant from anything Hilary Duff had put out. It was supposed to come off as high-brow—we were told to care because even if she wasn’t writing the songs or arranging the music, Scarlett was covering Tom Waits tracks, and people who love music also love Tom Waits.

Unfortunately, people who love Tom Waits really love Tom Waits. They also have ears. Neither benefited Anywhere I Lay My Head, which proved as much as anything to be a pet project born more out of privilege than talent.

On the title track, originally off Rain Dogs, Johansson wails buried beneath David Sitek’s trademark layered production, but unlike TV on the Radio her voice plays not first, not second, not third and not even fourth fiddle to the music. She rarely threatens to hit her notes, and by the two-minute mark her vocals are an afterthought. Rightly so: as we’ve been hinting at, she can’t sing.

Like Zooey Deschanel, Johansson hides her inability to sing by acting like she’s too cool to do it properly. Not that it works. Her voice is more cold than calm, and at times it sounds she’s struggling to fully open her mouth. To quote AUX Managing Editor Nicole Villeneuve, “What is in your throat? Clear your throat. Did you just have a carton of milk?”

Ultimately, the biggest problem with this album is that it exists. We’re supposed to take it as an artistic endeavour, but the entire project reeks of privilege. David Bowie guests on two tracks, Tunde Adebimpe on another, and we’ve already talked about David Sitek’s production, on top of which he plays guitar, drums, kalimba and more. He also engineered and mixed the entire album.

This wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t Scarlett Johannson, which makes it about as important as A Little More Personal (Raw). When it isn’t coming off as TV on the Radio’s worst album, it reeks of an exercise in trying to bury its cover star. “Fannin Street” especially sounds like Johansson walked unnoticed into someone’s studio time. When we say her singing sounds phoned in, we mean it. Anywhere I Lay My Head might as well have recorded her vocals through a first generation iPhone.

The worst offender is probably “I Don’t Want to Grow Up,” which wouldn’t have sounded out of place in a Zellers commercial. Scarlett sings the song like she’s being held at gunpoint, and the track’s attempts at burying her beneath countless layers of obnoxious synthesizers fails to the point where it kind of sounds like everyone was too scared to tell her she was leaning on a keyboard the entire time. “Town with No Cheer” is almost as bad, replacing the original‘s dynamic sound with Johansson sing-talk-moaning over an organ for five straight minutes, her voice sounding clear but eerily like one of the South Park goths. The lyrics say “there’s nothing sadder than a town with no cheer,” they might have met their match with this effort.

Scarlett Johannson is absolutely gorgeous. She’s a talented actress, and by all accounts a solid person to be around. But she’s not a singer, regardless of how many ties she obviously has to the industry. Other than a one off tribute to Serge Gainsbourg and a collaboration with Pete Yorn’s (which was recorded before Anywhere I Lay My Head), this is the last we’ve heard of her singing, and on her 28th birthday, we’re thankful for that.