Music

AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: Finale Week (5/22/2012 & 5/23/2012)

by Aaron Zorgel

Pop Hunter is re-capping the grotesque display of culture that is American Idol all season, and this is the FINAL INSTALLMENT. Here’s what you need to know from the finale episodes, which aired May 22nd and May 23rd.

For the finale week, we’ve decided to make the Pop Hunter American Idol Recap more of a conversation. After all, it’s way easier to sum up an entire season of weirdness when you use the Buddy System. And it’s easier to commiserate about the doomed voting habits of America, too. Without further justification, here’s a re-inactment of a season-long conversation that took place on my couch during American Idol Season 11.

Aaron Zorgel: So Claire, let’s start at the very beginning. Tell me about one of your favourite sleeper auditions from Season 11 of American Idol.

Claire Ward-Beveridge: The first memorable audition that comes to mind of someone who barely made it past Hollywood, was Lauren Mink, who sang “Country Strong” and taught disabled adults. Hers really gave me “goosies.” And I was sad that she didn’t make it very far at all.

Lauren Mink

CWB: This year, unlike last season, wasn’t super exciting in the auditions department. Aside from some really weird ones, of course. And you could tell that Steven was being kept on a short leash compared to last year.

AZ: Yeah, I know what you mean. But honestly, there were a ton of memorable auditions for me. The “I live in a tent” girl, Reed Grimm’s intolerable Family Matters scatting, and poncho-wearing Magic Cyclops all made sure the audition freak show delivered this year. A lot of people say they only watch the show for the auditions, and I can see why. That part of the show is pretty brilliant. Any time there’s actually a good singer, I think “that was good, but BRING ON THE FREAKS.”

“I live in a tent.”

Reed Grimm’s Family Matters Scatting

Magic Cyclops

CWB: That’s true. I think last year was just better because of the added Steven component. But now that I’m remembering, Phong Vu was insanely memorable for me. Last night when they did a run through of the best little tidbits, he showed up and it delighted me.

Phong Vu

AZ: “That’s me, Phong Vu!” That guy was amazing. What did you like about Steven Tyler being unhinged last year, compared to this year?

CWB: There were so many moments with him that were broadcast where the producers were obviously being like “let’s see where he  goes with this” if he was riffing with a contestant or something. There’s a whole Youtube montage of scenes like that from last year. And obviously more often than not, he’d tread into pervy territory… but everything he said was obviously so unscripted and off the cuff and just WEIRD and that was interesting. This year he often seemed like, sedated a lot of the time. Save for a few things, like him doing that crazy-nimble pool dive, for example.

Steven Tyler’s Best Moments From Last Season

Steven Tyler’s Crazy-Nimble Pool Dive

CWB: How did you find the judges this year? Do you want them to all return next year?

AZ: Well, let’s be honest. Even though Randy is a repetitive, yelling, YO-ing, catchphrase fumbling auto-bot, without him, there wouldn’t be any original Idol judges on the panel. I like J-Lo and Steven a lot, but they’re eternally positive, and you never see a judge really tear into a performance. I see that they were trying to replace Simon Cowell’s “negativity balance” with some edgy comments from Interscope label boss Jimmy Iovine each week, but I think what the panel really needs is someone who’s not afraid to hurt some feelings. Let’s get Ricky Gervais on there, or Larry David. Someone who really doesn’t give a shit about being popular.

CWB: Yes, I totally agree. Otherwise, what’s the point of having them? Oh! If we’re going to mention any other memorable (in a talented way) contestants that didn’t make the Top 12 — Creighton Fraker was one for me. I could never see him winning, but I always looked forward to seeing his weird face during those first few weeks. I remember you wondering about the possible re-appearance of the Gentle Giant last night…

AZ: Yeah, that whole thing was kind of fucked up! When Jermaine Jones got kicked off for having a criminal record, it was the first bit of Idol drama we’d encountered all season. I was actually wondering if he would come out for the finale wearing an orange prison jump-suit or something, sweating buckets, trying to nervously laugh it off.

CWB: Haha! And then getting pulled off-stage by a giant, novelty cane or something.

Jermaine Jones

AZ: The middle of the season is kind of a blur to me. Group week and Hollywood week were kind of unremarkable. I remember there was the girl who kept fainting a bunch, and like every season, SO MANY TEARS. I think after hearing singers like Joshua Ledet and Jessica Sanchez, I thought the rest of the season was kind of a formality. They could have easily narrowed the group to like 5 contestants after the auditions were done.

CWB: Oh, easily. Up until the bitter end, there were only 3 or 4 truly talented worthy contenders. But if they have to stretch the whole season to span 5 months, well…

So, let’s talk about finale week. I think we can both agree that Tuesday’s performance show was just, so unfair to Jessica.

AZ: Absolutely. Phillip won the “coin toss,” which I think is just code for being Simon Fuller’s favourite, and elected to go second. So his performances were fresher in the minds of the audience. I expect a lot of people missed Jessica’s first performance, and only experienced “I Will Always Love You,” a song they’ve already heard her sing, and a HORRIBLE original song called “Change Nothing.”

Jessica Sanchez “The Prayer”

Jessica Sanchez “I Will Always Love You”

AZ: Can we talk about how terrible both of those original songs were?

CWB: Just awful, as expected. It’s not saying much, but they were a step-up from last year’s songs. Those parentally-centered lyrics were just incredibly saccharine, weird and gross. If the two that Jessica and Phil picked were the best suited to them out of however many they have to choose from, they must all be god-awful. Corny ballads. Why not something a bit more energetic at least?

Jessica Sanchez “Change Nothing” (Original Song)

AZ: Yeah, I might have completely changed my opinion on him if Phil had done some kind of crazy aggro-industrial song in the vein of “Smack My Bitch Up” by the Prodigy instead of that half-rate Mumford & Sons-ish, high school marching band accompanied pile of turds. I mean, the song was still weird and emotionally manipulative. The audience hears “I’m gonna make this place your home” in the chorus, and bursts into tears thinking about their dead relatives.

Phillip Phillips “Home” (Original Song)

CWB: I really appreciated how much the judges disliked them, though. Interscope must just have a dusty drawer filled with cast-offs.

AZ: Yeah, songs that weren’t even good enough for Shakira, or Ray Jay, or whatever.

CWB: Exactly. In some ways, the fact that the producers/judges seemed to favour Phil early on is kind of interesting in that, from a marketable, commercial standpoint, he’s clearly not as malleable at this point as Jessica is. He’s older and has his “style” (as much as he’s totally biting Dave Matthews) is established, whereas she’s a lot younger and probably more willing to change.

AZ: You mean the producers thought they could sell a white, Southern-born hearthrob better than they could a 16-year-old Hispanic/Phillipino girl?! SHOCKING.

Alright, before we get to the depressing results, let’s talk about the star studded guest performances a bit. The Idol finale episode always feels a little bit more like a two hour long version of one of those Grammy awards show medleys. It just goes on, and on, and on, with each contestant saying “And now welcome to the stage…Sisquo!” and the end of the first “Thong Song” verse.

CWB: It’s a weird circus, that’s for sure. So many aging, whoa-they-aren’t-dead-yet stars being trotted out one after another. The highlight was definitely Jennifer Holliday, who looked like a horse on drugs. And her performance with Jessica was amazing to watch — BB Chez really held her own.

Jessica Sanchez & Jennifer Holliday “And I Am Telling You That I’m Not Going”

AZ: Yeah, I think I said last night, let’s see how Phillip Phillips handles a duet with Jennifer Holliday. She would bite the scruff right off of his face.

CWB: One of the cheesiest duet-moments came when Phil was introducing his SECOND song with John Fogerty, and said something like “Here’s another tune for ya, I hope you like it. It’s called Bad Moon Rising.” As if we were at his concert. And he wrote it.

AZ: Cue Randy saying “Yo! That was crazy! That was like we were at the Phillip Phillips concert!”

CWB: Haha, exactly! And weren’t we really? I mean, that’s what they’d been grooming him for from the get-go.

AZ: I get the feeling the Idol finale is half a commercial spectacle, half a dress rehearsal for the Idol Tour. Their first date is July 6th, and I’m sure this was meant to be a preview of the mobile money-making machine that is the Top 12 Idol Tour. I mean, it’ll make money for Fox and Interscope. I’m sure the Idols are all getting paid like, 20 bucks a day.

CWB: I remember reading an article once that was speculating about the cost break-down of the tour, and everyone but the top 2 finalists were making pretty sad money. The whole thing just seems like it would be a weird Vegas sideshow.

AZ: So, do we have to talk about the results?

CWB: Haha, well, we definitely don’t NEED to, that’s for sure.  Even without seeing the last 6 minutes of last night’s episode, we know what happened. Phil had never been in the bottom 2 or 3 and he had everything going for him. What Top 12 contestant, in your mind, would’ve made a more rage-inducing winning choice?

AZ: Yeah, they said there were 132 million votes this week, and I have a feeling that it wasn’t even close. It’s pretty frustrating that someone who is just aping Dave Matthews’ whole frat-boy schtick likely destroyed a young talent like Jessica. What would have been even more frustrating would have been if Hollie Cavanagh yelled her way to the Idol throne. I thought she made it way too far. What about you?

Hollie Cavanagh & Jordin Sparks “You Will Never Walk Alone”

CWB: Hollie definitely made it wayyy too far. Her personality and style didn’t grate on me as much as say, Colton Dixon who I honestly had a hard time looking at sometimes, but she was so bland and unexciting it would’ve been insane if she’d won it all.

I really can’t see Phil climbing his way to Carrie Underwood-type heights any time soon, though, and if Jessica and Joshua experience even a 10th of the post-Idol success that a runner up like Jennifer Hudson has, then I’ll be okay with things.

AZ: Yeah, the one thing we haven’t really covered is how unappreciated Joshua Ledet was this season. He was a heavy favourite for me, and a third place finish doesn’t really do Mantasia justice. But like you said, if Jessica and Joshua get even a slice of that J-Hud success, I can live with the fact that Phillip Phillips will be headlining state fairs and amphitheatres for a few years.

Joshua Ledet & Fantasia “Take Me To The Pilot”

CWB: I vowed halfway through this season that I wouldn’t watch next year. But with the thought of missing out on seeing another Joshua make his way through the competition, plus the audition-rounds fun — I can’t promise I won’t give it another go.

AZ: Yeah, what are we gonna do, watch The Voice? Psh. Suck it, Cee Lo.