Music

AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: Sing a song from this decade (4/11/2012 & 4/12/2012)

by Aaron Zorgel

Pop Hunter is re-capping the grotesque display of culture that is American Idol all season. Here’s what you need to know from this week’s round, which aired April 11th and 12th.

So, if you’ve been following our American Idol Recaps all season, you know that we took last week off, to honour Jesus, and candy eggs, and just holiday Fridays in general. I hope the temporary sabbatical hasn’t left your snark muscles atrophied, because mine are rip-rarin’ to go. So, for the sake of being thorough, what happened last week? Here are the essential notes:

– The theme was “Songs of the 80s”
– The mentors for the week were Gwen Stefani & Tony Kanal from No Doubt. Gwen Stefani looks amazing, and Tony is well-quaffed.
– Contestants sang songs by DeBarge, Foreigner, Genesis, Simply Red, Whitney Houston, Irene Cara (Flashdance!), Cyndi Lauper, and Bette Midler.
– The Bottom 3 included DeAndre Brackensick, Hollie Cavanagh, and Elise Testone.
– DeAndre was eliminated, and the judges chose not to use their save on him. His mom cried a lot.

Now we’re all caught up. There’s something satisfying about being so succinct. There’s also something kind of unsatisfying about not getting the chance to make fun of DeAndre’s floppy hair one last time.

This week, the top 7 contestants were tasked with singing songs from this decade. So, that gives you a range of 2010-2012, a whole two years and 3 months. Many of the songs are from late 2011 and early 2012, so something tells me Jimmy Iovine’s trying to bump the first quarter numbers for his Interscope Records roster by pushing current hits on the Idol hopefuls.

Akon joined Jimmy during the mentorship sessions this week, reminding us that Akon exists, I guess. His only valid pieces of advice for the contestants included a) rely on liberal application of auto-tune, and b) no matter how the opportunity arises, it’s not a good idea to dry-hump the shit out of a 14-year-old female fan on stage.

Let’s see how the contestants did this week.

Performances:

Jessica Sanchez – Stuttering (Jazmine Sullivan)

Jessica’s performance of “Stuttering” boasted vocal heroics and a vulnerability that made for one of her greatest performances yet. I’d never heard the song, but this girl can sing anything and make it work.

Colton Dixon – Love The Way You Lie (Skylar Grey)

Colton’s falsetto wasn’t quite locking in on the right note for me on the chorus, and it made his cheeseball piano ballad pretty unlistenable. I was waiting for him to drop some Emineme-style aggro raps, and they never came. Disappointing.

Hollie Cavanagh – Perfect (P!nk)

Hollie has got to go. Her voice is technically sound, but it lacks personality. She just can’t compete long-term against some of the vocalists in this competition.

Phillip Phillips – Give A Little More (Maroon 5)

Has anyone actually heard this song? Are sure it’s not a Dave Matthews Band song? Philly Phil’s DMB impression is getting more stale by the week, but I expect he’ll stick around ’til the bitter end.

Joshua Ledet – Runaway Baby (Bruno Mars)

With an incrediblly diverse voice, it’s kind of hard to imagine what type of musical career Josh might gravitate towards. This Bruno Mars cover is the first time I could really picture Josh as a top 40 pop singer as opposed to a gospel, or soul artist.

Elise Testone – You And I (Lady Gaga)

There’s no denying Elise’s voice on this Gaga cover, but I still find her personality off-putting.

Elise & Phil trotted out a terribly corny version of Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know,” really driving home exactly how popular this song is getting.

Skylar Laine – Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You (Kellie Pickler)

Skylar Laine is ready for Nashville. She could bow out of the competition now, and be headlining State Fairs this summer.

Now, here’s some bullshit. On Thursday, it was revealed that the bottom three vote-getters were…

Jessica Sanchez, Elise Testone, and Joshua Ledet.

The Philippino girl, the black dude, and the older girl all in the Bottom 3? Man, America is officially THE WORST. Jessica & Josh are easily the best vocalists in the competition. And oh, it gets worse:

Just when everyone thought Elise Testone was a goner, ol’ Seacrest revealed that Jessica Sanchez received the lowest number of votes, and was at risk of leaving the competition. It’s the Idol Apocalypse, worst case scenario.

America fucked up, and the judges knew it. Without even letting her finish singing for her life, Stevie T, the Randyman, and Lil’ Lopez ran on stage and told Jessica they’d be using their only save of the season on her.

Jessica Sanchez, and her alter-ego BeeBee Chez, live to see another day. I’m not sure whether or not two people go home next week, but I caution you, American Idol voters: DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN OR I WILL SHART ENDLESSLY ON ALL OF YOUR HEADS.