Pop Hunter is re-capping the grotesque display of culture that is American Idol all season. Here’s what you need to know from this week’s round, which aired March 21st, and March 22nd.

For some reason, every season they devote one night to the catalogue of Billy Joel. Given that most of these kids have absolutely no resonance with any of Billy Joel’s material, it makes for a pretty boring round. The song choices are awful, and the contestants struggle to scrape together an inspired performance based on coaching direction from Interscope label boss Jimmy Iovine and this week’s guest mentor Diddy. Don’t worry folks, Diddy really knows his way around a Billy Joel tune. The contestants also received style and image advice from Tommy Hilfiger, as American Idol edges closer and closer to just being a two hour long commercial.

I’m not sure why, but the contestants seemed to shy away from many of Joel’s biggest hits. Nobody touched “Uptown Girl,” or “We Didn’t Start The Fire.” And much to my chagrin, there wasn’t a duplication of this incredible performance of “Sometimes A Fantasy,” from a Billy Joel Live in Russia taping. Check this out, Billy Joel completely loses his shit at the lighting guy, tips over his piano, and trashes a mic stand without missing a note or a beat:

Sadly, not a single contestant captured that kind of unbridled energy and passion during the American Idol performances this week. How great would it have been to see De’Andre Brackensick totally ape out and hoist Randy Jackson above his head and toss him into a hoard of screaming girls? Pretty great, I think.

As promised last week, since there are only 10 contestants remaining, I can comment briefly on each performance individually, without making this column unreadable. So here we go.

De’Andre Brackensick – Only The Good Die Young

This cheesy-ass clown makes Billy Joel look like Pete Doherty. The way he’s bobbing around the stage belongs in the Lion King musical. And that hair is just so Girl You Know It’s True. Gotta blame it on something.

Erika Van Pelt – New York State Of Mind

Tommy Hilfiger gave Van Pelt an insane witchy makeover, and now she looks like a manlier P!nk at a Halloween party. Not a good look, not a good performance.

Joshua Ledet – She’s Got A Way

Joshua Ledet’s pleasing raspy baritone even sounds good on a Billy Joel b-side. This song choice is a bit “meh,” but Josh can still do no wrong in the competition.

Skylar Laine – Shameless

Skylar has “countried” up less suitable songs on this show, and her take on Joel’s 1991 ballad “Shameless” is a pretty solid choice for her. She’s got a powerful voice, and given the Idol audience’s adoration for anyone with country-leanings, she’ll be sticking around for a while.

Elise Testone – Vienna

Elise Testone has a great voice, but in her body language and in interviews, it seems like she doesn’t really want to be there. I’m getting kind of sick every girl with a raspy voice getting compared to Janis Joplin. It’s an easy reference for the judges to make, but you shouldn’t throw around comparisons like that, or it becomes meaningless.

Phillip Phillips – Movin’ Out

This Dave Matthews impersonator is really good at being Dave Matthews! Too bad the show’s not called American Dave Matthews Impersonator.

Hollie Cavanagh – Honesty

I think this was one of the worst performances of the night. Boring affectedness. She always goes for a big finishing note, and ends up just yelling her head off. This time it totally falls apart. But, American loves skinny blonde white girls, so I expect she’s going to stick around.

Heejun Han – My Life

It’s taking every decent bone in my body not to make a racist joke about Asians and karaoke. But goddamnit, Heejun just went from cheesy to intolerable with this performance. He’s an embarrassment to the fine people of all Asian nations and their proud, illustrious karaoke tradition.

Jessica Sanchez – Everybody Has A Dream

Jessica Sanchez is another contestant that can do no wrong for me. This is a great song choice for her, and her rendition was tasteful while leaving room to showcase her chops. Well done.

Colton Dixon – Piano Man

OF COURSE this asshole would pick Piano man. His squeaky, pained rendition of this song is as douchey as the ridiculous hair on his stupid head. The sad thing is, this guy will probably win the whole competition. He goes out of his way to appeal to the bible belt during his post-performance comments: “I’ve been praying before this whole thing, because tonight was a big moment for me. I was just collecting myself, and saying ‘God, use me.’ I want him to shine through first and foremost.” This guy lays it on thick like his dippity-doo. He’s got a bright future. Yuck.

During last night’s elimination show, it was revealed that Erica Van Pelt received the least amount of votes. After some thrown together performances, a Ford commercial, a pre-taped Lana Del Rey performance, and a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday for Steven Tyler’s 125th, we learned that the judges would not be saving Van Pelt, and she was going home.

So long, Erica. I guess America didn’t like your new haircut.