Ah, the American Idol auditions. For any pop culture masochist, it’s practically Christmas. Watching someone try and fail, watching someone delude themselves into thinking they’ll have a career one day, and watching someone embarrass his/herself in front of 25 million viewers. It’s all like basking in front of a warm fire. My interest generally dwindles after the audition episodes subside, so I thought it best to catalogue the most crash-n-burny (or interesting otherwise) auditions from the most recent season of American Idol.

1. Mawuena Kojo – Savannah Auditions

Easily the most exploitative audition of 2012, Mawuena Kojo wanted to become the first African Country music star. After a nearly unrecognizable rendition of a Rascal Flatts song, and 3 unanimous rejections from the judges, Ryan Seacrest then paraded Kojo around Savannah trying to find supporters who might make the judges reconsider. The producers instilled hope in Mawuena in the same way that girls used to tell me they “might” go to the dance with me.

2. Magic Cyclops – Aspen Auditions

If the name doesn’t grab you, the fact that he is affecting a British accent while wearing an American Flag shirt should.

3. Phong Vu – Houston Auditions

A quotation from the above video, presented without comment: “Today my spirit will come alive. I will make you shock and wow and oooooo! I just look like a superstar.”

Another: “It is just so phenomenon. God is on my side, I know it.”

4.Alejandro Cazares- Houston Auditions

This guy started chanting “REVOLUTION! REVOLUTION!” in the audition waiting room before crushing out a warbly version of “Looking Up” by Paramore. When he drops to one knee to beg for a ticket to Hollywood, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen a hulking bodyguard have to usher someone out of an audition.

5. David Weed – Portland Auditions

A fast-food worker named David Weed sang Tom Sawyer by Rush. I didn’t think he was too bad, but the judges slammed him. To be fair, if Geddy Lee auditioned, they’d probably tell him to take a hike, too.

6. Ben Harrison – Portland Auditions

This guy has a baby face so sickeningly sweet, every time he blows a kiss it makes me want to set him on fire. I should probably talk that out with a therapist, eh?

7. Reed Grimm – Pittsburg Auditions

A scat version of the Family Matters theme song. Need I say more?

8. Jane Carrey – San Diego Auditions

So, there’s three take-aways here:

1) This is Jim Carrey’s daughter.
2) Jim Carrey’s daughter is a WAITRESS?
3) JIM CAREY’S FACE IS IDENTICAL TO HIS DAUGHTER’S.

If you’re interested in checking out some of our other American Idol audition coverage, clickthrough to the links below. And stay tuned — every Friday we’ll have a weekly American Idol recap.

AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: Top 5 Auditions You Missed from The First Episode
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: Pittsburg Auditions (1/20/2012)
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: San Diego Auditions (1/22/2012)
AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: Portland Auditions (2/1/2012)