The best competition-based reality show on television returned last night, like a circus canon launching confetti-shaped dreams, tears and disillusionment directly into our living rooms. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the shit out of Ryan Seacrest, Randy, J-Lo and the human scented candle known as Steven Tyler over the past few months.

Everyone knows that the best part of American Idol are the preliminary audition episodes, which perfectly blend actual talent with exploitative madness. The Savannah auditions delivered plenty of both. According to contestants featured in the delightful audition lineup Idol b-roll that defines these early episodes, in Savannah, they “love Shrimp ‘n’ Grits,” and they “don’t sing, they SAAAAAANG,” so let’s check out the Top 5 Auditions you missed from this eclectic southern city.

1. Amy “I live in a tent” Brunfield

This audition allowed for the best Steven Tyler-ism of the night. In an outfit that can only be described as “floppy pimp-gear meets New Age Grandma-chic,” Tyler drops this gem: “The spirit of the children of the woods snuck inside of you.” Kind of sounds like the tagline for Cabin Fever 3.

2. David “Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl” Leathers Jr.

You’d never suspect him of stealing yo’ girl, because he looks 12 — but he’s actually 17 years old.

3. Mauwena “William Hung 2012” Kodjo

Shame on you, Randy Jackson.

4. Ashlee “Do the Joy Hop” Altise

Following the example of Soulja Boy (Crank That), Cali Swag District (Dougie), and Troop 41 (the John Wall) Ashlee Altise benefits from the invention of her a gimmicky dance-move.

5. Phillip “My first name is the same as my last name” Phillips

This guy seems pretty impressive, until you realize that Dave Matthews already exists. This shit isn’t original at all, he’s just some sandal-wearing, doobie-smoking frat boy hippy! Blech.

Other highlights:

• One contestant’s occupation being listed as “Musician/Facepainter”
• During a montage of crying contestants, one reject sobs his guts out while screaming “they said I was emotionless!”
• A schlubby contestant emerges from the audition room wearing plaid pajama pants, and gives his family the bad news: “they said it wasn’t even singing, really.”

And that’s about it! You’re all caught up. Keep checking back, because Pophunter is going to be re-capping the grotesque display of culture that is American Idol all season. If I can stand it.