Music

6 extremely detailed descriptions of rock musicals we'd like to see

by Sarah Kurchak

I was really inspired by American Idiot when I saw it during its recently completed run at the Toronto Centre for the Arts. But unlike many of my theatre-loving peers, it wasn’t the content of the show itself that truly spoke to me. Although I was suitably swept up in the production’s message of RAGE and LOVE and EXISTENTIAL POP-PUNK ANGST, it was the very idea of American Idiot that blew my showtune and rock-loving mind. If someone can make a musical out a Green Day album, then what other bold hybrids of Broadway and rock’n’roll are possible? I’ve already come up with six.

2112
My vision for Rush’s famous seven-part suite about a dystopian future filled with space rulers who hate guitars and individuality isn’t fully formed yet. I’m torn between a twenty minute production that features an unadulterated and uninterrupted performance of the suite and a longer show that fleshes out things like the peace process that was achieved by The Red Star Solar Federation in 2062 and what the Elder Race has been up to since leaving the protagonist’s planets long ago through a combination of dialogue and other appropriate songs from the Rush catalogue. All I know for sure is that the grand finale, “Grand Finale,” in which the Elder Race overthrows the Red Star Solar Federation, will be a depicted in an epic battle dance number, like an intergalactic version of “Glory” from Pippin.

Funeral
The Suburbs might be the more popular and obvious choice for an Arcade Fire-inspired show, but any Suburban musical would face unfair comparisons to Spike Jonze’s Scenes From The Suburbs short film. Besides, Funeral would make a better, more devastating production, what with all of its heartbreaking yearning for childhood, loss of innocence and the existential angst and dread that comes with watching everyone you love slowly disappear from your life and die. It’ll be like an indie rock Spring Awakening with a higher body count and no “everyone we lose is still in our hearts!” song to make people feel better at the end.

Ashtray Rock
Much like American Idiot, Joel Plaskett Emergency’s awesome concept album isn’t quite long enough to sustain a full musical production on its own and will need to be augmented with some carefully selected tracks from the artist’s back catalogue. To further explore Ashtray Rock’s love triangle, and the friendship and the band that are destroyed by it, I am going to give the fictional band in question some Thrush Hermit songs to play on stage throughout the show. Highlights of this musical will include “Drunk Teenagers,” a bush party dance extravaganza, and “French Inhale,” an arty representation of all of the naughty stuff that goes down after “Fashionable People.”

Dig! The Musical
The theatrical adaptation of the 2004 documentary about the feud between The Brian Jonestown Massacre and The Dandy Warhols will open with “We Used To Be Friends” as The Dandys reflect upon their tumultuous relationship with Anton Newcombe and his revolving crew. From there, the musical will use a mix of songs by both bands to tell the story of their complex and troubled relationship. The emotional heart of the production will be BJM’s “Stars,” done as a devastating duet between the Courtney Taylor-Taylor and Newcombe characters. The showstopping scene will be a stylized reenactment of the infamous on-stage fight between BJM members at their Viper Room showcase. It will be like a West Side Story dance fight on, well, whatever stimulants Newcombe prefers these days.

Livin’ On A Prayer
This jukebox musical featuring everyone’s favourite tunes from Jersey wordsmith Jon Bon Jovi gives audiences a deeper look into the lives of Tommy and Gina. As the show opens, Tommy’s shipping union has just gone on strike. A Greek chorus of singers somberly informs the crowd of the trials and tribulations that he and his girlfriend Gina are facing (“Prayer ‘94”). Tommy quickly falls into self-pity. Frustrated with her boyfriend’s attitude, Gina meets a mysterious and charming rock star at the diner who has seen a million faces and rocked them all and runs away with him (“Wanted Dead Or Alive”). Tommy falls into despondency until a drinking session with his hard luck buddies at the bar makes him realize that, no matter how hard things get, there’s always hope (“Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night”). He vows to get Gina back (“Always”).

Meanwhile, Gina discovers that the rock star life is not all it’s cracked up to be when she catches the mysterious rocker cheating on her. He writes a song for her in an effort to win her back (“Bed of Roses”), but Gina refuses his musical apology, saying that that the song is not exactly romantic, full of ridiculous self-pity, and a half-assed way to make up for everything he’s done wrong. Tommy and Gina meet up again and beg each other for forgiveness (“I’ll Be There For You/ Born To Be My Baby”). They get back together and, triumphantly, realize that they have each other, and that’s a lot (“Livin’ On A Prayer”).

Heavy Metal: A Just Priest Musical
A touching and inspiring story about two young, small town rockers who are forced to come to terms with their sexuality and their feelings for each other set to a selection of Judas Priest songs. Heavy Metal’s big opening number is “Living After Midnight,” a house party extravaganza where the audience is introduced to the town’s leather rebels and rockers.

As the party winds to a close, Ronnie goes home to bed, where he has an unsettling dream about Johnny, the mysterious new kid at school (“A Touch Of Evil”). Ronnie’s girlfriend wakes him up when she sneaks into his room and tries to seduce him (“Burnin’ Up”) but he rejects her advances.

After a few awkward interactions, Johnny starts to flirt with Ronnie. Confused and torn between Jem and Johnny, Ronnie says that he needs time to think. The three main characters retreat to their rooms, where they express their confusion and sexual frustration through Fosse-esque wall-humping (“Hot For Love)”.

Eventually, Ronnie and Johnny give in to their mutual passion at yet another house party (“Fever”). Jem catches them, and doesn’t take it well, exposing them to the rest of the rockers (“Devil’s Child”). Johnny’s friend Vixen successfully distracts Jem by suggesting an experimental fling (“Eat Me Alive”) but the damage has already been done. Alone in his room again, Ronnie starts listening to records backwards and threatening to kill himself. Johnny shows up and tries to talk him down (“Better By You, Better Than Me”) but Ronnie runs away. Johnny is heartbroken (“Out In The Cold”).

Jem’s fling with Vixen makes her realize how unfair she was to Ronnie, and the two girls set off to find him. When they track him down, they sing to him about taking pride in who they are (“Rock Hard Ride Free”). Overcome with loneliness and sick of hating himself, Ronnie snaps (“Jawbreaker”) and vows to win Johnny back and live out and proud (“Leather Rebel”). The big reconciliation and grand finale take place in a Heavy Metal Parking Lot before a Judas Priest when Ronnie finds Johnny tailgating before a Judas Priest concert, and declares his love for the world (“Ram It Down”).