Music

Barry Taylor's guide to Headphone Etiquette

by Barry Taylor

Before we go any further, something needs to be said: Polaris Prize Committee, you fucked up. After seeing Born Ruffians perform last week in Quebec City, it became painfully obvious that excluding them from the 2010 Long List was as big an omission as leaving Gretzky off of the ’98 Shootout lineup in Nagano. You picked Ray Bourque?? Really? Idiots.

Moving on, one of the funniest guys on the planet is Adam Carolla. His film the Hammer is incredibly underrated. During the movie there’s a great scene where Carolla’s character is jumping rope in a gym while listening to his iPod.

The focus bounces back and forth from his perspective, to the perspective of another woman in the gym. From his perspective he’s living out a music video to the song playing in his ears. His steps are in time to the beat and he couldn’t look cooler. From the woman’s perspective, he looks like a lunatic that may or may not try to rape her.

But that’s the thing about listening to music on headphones, it completely changes your outlook on the world around you. Headphones create a false sense of security when you’re in public; like you’re in a bubble of awesomeness that no one else can penetrate. Sadly, that’s not the case.

Portable music devices are becoming more and more common. It’s time make sure we’re all on the same page. An ‘Earphone Etiquette’ if you will. Here are the most pressing topics…

Farting

What is it about iPods that has all of a sudden made public farting the norm? This never happened with Walkmans or portable CD players. Yet, it’s a rare to walk through a mall, or be waiting in line at Subway and not have someone with ear-buds cut the cheese.

Remember that phrase? Cut the cheese? Whatever happened to that expression? Guess what, it’s back. Cut the cheese!

Air Drumming

You’ve gotta have some giant balls/ovaries to think you can air drum in public, to a song that no one else can hear, and not look like you should be committed. But maybe you’ve got the gonads/Cadbury Cream Eggs, to do that. There’s gotta be people out there with the nards/Denver omelets, that can pull it off. For those of us with average sperm marbles/chick nuts, it’s best to leave the sticks at home.

Finger tapping is acceptable.

Air Guitar

Same as air drumming. Deeez Nuts/Spluge Catchers.

Mood

No matter how happy, or aggressive, or excited a song makes you, you’ve got to keep in mind that no one around you is experiencing that same feeling.

Have you ever seen joggers running through grave yards when there’s a funeral happening? Everyone thinks, How can they be smiling? It’s because they’ve got Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass providing the soundtrack to their life at that moment. Not smiling is not an option.

Sing Along

Don’t do it. There’s no wiggle room here. If you’re like most of us your voice is shit and no one wants to hear it. If you have a good voice, save it for the karaoke bar. Hearing  someone with a good voice sing acapella to their iPod is awkward. Ohhh, you’re talented. It weird that you’re here, in line at the DMV, and not on a stage somewhere. Are you getting new tags for your limo? No?

Talking Loudly

After three decades of portable music devices, how are there still people that haven’t figured out that you sound like a jackass when you keep your headphones on while talking?

Non-headphone guy: Excuse me, do you have the time? (points to watch)

Guy wearing headphones: IT’S QUARTER AFTER FOUR. FOUR-FIFTEEN. FOUR-ONE-FIVE.

Non-headphone guy: K, got it. I think my ears are bleeding.

Empty Elevator Trumps Everything

If you ever find yourself in an empty elevator and one of your favourite songs comes on in your headphones, yell Bingo, because you just won the lottery. Partake in full on finger-tapping air guitar. Indulge in some aggressive air drumming. Even throw in some whisper-scream vocals.

But take it easy with the flatulence. The moment you get cocky is the very moment that elevator makes a stop at a floor that’s not yours. And the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen walks on. And it wreaks like that guy from the Subway lineup.

That’s a ride that no song can make enjoyable. Not even the Spanish Flea. That’s not true. The Spanish Flea could do it.