Music

The 8 Most Annoying Types of Music Fans

by Barry Taylor

It’s not the band I hate, it’s their fans. There’s nothing wrong with healthy debate.  Part of what makes music so enjoyable is finding out what other people like and comparing it to your own tastes.

However, it can get annoying when a fan takes their love for a band too far.  No one wants to be force-fed opinions on subjective material.  What’s worse is sometimes the band is actually good, but the fans are such jackasses that it taints the artist.

Enough is enough.  Presenting a list of the all-time worst types of music fans.  **But first it must be made clear, these labels apply only to adults nineteen years or older.  Anything that happens during high school is off limits as there’s too many hormones raging to allow for a credible mind state.  Let us begin…

1. The “Holier than Thou” Fan

These shitheads show unconditional love for a band, no matter what they do.  If you ever question something about their band of choice, you’re told, “That’s ‘cause you don’t get it.”  Jesus.  The band in question could literally put out an album with toilets flushing in place of a guitar solo and it would be seen as pure genius by this breed of snob.

Associated Bands: Radiohead, Tool, various Icelandic artists.

2. Hack Groupies

Arguably the most annoying music fan there is.  They’re not even real groupies, they’re the groupies of bands that are just starting out and barely have enough material to complete a half hour set.  These fans know ever word to every song and stand right at the front of the stage and sing along to the music like it was Wonderwall at Wembly. They’re like Kathy Bates in Misery minus the artistic taste.

Favourite Saying: Don’t worry about it, I’m on the pill.

3. Mainstream Hater

Anytime a band finds mainstream success it’s inevitable there will be some backlash.  Sure, it gets annoying when the radio plays the same songs over and over but that’s not the band’s fault.  What’s just as annoying as the on-air repetition are the whining fans who stop liking the band because they’ve found success.  Kings of Leon recently felt the wrath of these fans.

“You’ll always be too big for somebody else’s ‘cool’.  It’s a healthy process.”

– Stephen Carroll of the Weakerthans

4. The Can Fan

Named after their passion for shot-gunning cans of American beer followed by some form of screaming, the Can Fan relies on their drunken confidence to win their musical debates.  This breed of snob is often seen shirtless at outdoor concerts sporting barbwire and/or lower back tattoos.  Their CD collection begins with Dave Matthews and ends with Steve Miller.  Just try and suggest there’s a better song than Crash and they’ll punch you in the throat.

Odds of them one day appearing on COPS: 70%

5. Goths

As stated earlier, this applies to adults only.  Anything that happened under the age of nineteen doesn’t count.  And there’s nothing wrong with wearing all black, Johnny Cash did.  Even a little black makeup can be sexy on women.  However, if you’re an adult and still dressing like you’re an extra in an off-Broadway presentation of Twilight, you might want to take a timeout and reevaluate.  Trade in one of your six cats and get a dog, the companionship will do wonders.

Biggest Need: a hug.

6. Punk Rock Morticians

Anyone that utters the phrase “punk rock is dead” should immediately be kicked in the balls or ovaries.  To suggest punk rock can die follows the same logic that comedy can die or that humans need to save the planet.  See: George Carlin.

7. Suburban Gangstas

It’s amazing how someone can grow up on the same street as you, go to the same schools as you, even share mutual friends and yet because they like a different kind of music than you they speak in a completely different dialect.  Everyone likes a little hip hop now and then but that doesn’t mean you need to begin or end every sentence with “Yo”.

Word most often used: Strife.

8. Eddie Vedder Fans

Not Pearl Jam fans, Eddie Vedder fans.  For some reason there’s guys and girls out there who follow Vedder like he’s their cool uncle.  They love calling him by his first name.  It’s creepy as hell.

Chances one of these fans will one day go postal like Jeremy: Very good.