Music

10 records that will never make it to Classic Albums

by Sam Sutherland

To learn actual facts about the Classic Albums series that don’t just involve wild flights of fancy, check out AUX TV’s Classic Albums marathon from September 22 to 23. Tune in to win a Bob Marley prize pack.

If you love Classic Albums (and you do, because it’s a fantastic series), you’ve seen elaborate and thoughtful deconstructions of everything from British Steel to Reasonable Doubt. This weekend on AUX, you can delve even further into the series, with episodes covering Bob Marley, Paul Simon, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Duran Duran, and more.

But what records are you never going to see on Classic Albums? Here are some educated guesses. Educated, because we are television professionals.

10. Bruce Willis. The baddest man, but just a bad musician.

9. No words or jokes.

8. Not because it’s bad, but because no one respects comedy.

7. Too soon, but also just too bad.

6. “And then he said ‘boobs,” and then I giggled, and then we recorded.”

5. Only if she paid for it herself.

4. Because they’re already in production on 3 Dollar Bill, Y’all.

3. Too crazy.

2. Not crazy enough.

1. But they should. They really, really should.