Music

Mick Jagger got his 29-year-old girlfriend pregnant

by Jeremy Mersereau

Animated by a terrible curse, the ancient sex mummy stalks his next victim, an innocent ballerina… soon his dark purpose will be accomplished, and he will have yet another heir to continue his loathsome legacy.

Yep, 72-year-old Mick Jagger is somehow having another kid, this time with 29-year-old ballerina girlfriend Melanie Hemrick. Or, to put it Game of Thrones terms: Lord Jagger of House Crow’s Feet will soon have another successor to further complicate the war of succession upon his death. Who will retain dominion over the dread wizard Keith Richards? Anyway, the couple confirmed the pregnancy through a spokesperson.

The new baby will mark the eighth offspring of Jagger’s leathery loins to join the human race, as he’s already populated the earth with seven prior children from previous relationships: daughter Karis with ex Marsha Hunt; daughter Jade with ex-wife Bianca Jagger; daughters Elizabeth and Georgia, and sons James and Gabriel with ex Jerry Hall; and son Lucas with ex-girlfriend Luciana Gimenez.

Will someone please find the mystical crystal keeping this immortal sex golem lusty & virile and shatter it already? Forget global warming, the real threat to the world is the horde of Jaggerbabies strutting & leering all over the goddamn place.

[H/T Us Weekly]