Music

Florida man says too much music and masturbation made him vandalize home

by Jeremy Mersereau

On this episode of the ongoing tale of degradation and shame that is the life of the world’s worst superhero, Florida Man:

Florida Man, accused of vandalizing a home, opts to make the desperate move of telling the that cops too much music and masturbation was responsible for his smashing the shit out of a house, mailbox, and garden angel. Stay tuned for… “The Daring Gambit”. *Cue Batman horns but they’re all out of key and gross-sounding*

According to a police report out of Largo, Florida, officers responded to a call about a man smashing a mailbox on the afternoon of April 8th and discovered one William Timothy Anderson Thomas, shirtless, covered in dirt, and surrounded by the broken wreckage of a window, real estate sign, garden angel, and of course, the smoking gun: the destroyed mailbox. “Aw, that’s a shame. Lil’ guy had one day left ’til retirement”. *Grizzled cop gently lowers little flag thing*.

Thomas, 25, admitted to the wilful destruction of the property, and blamed his lust for property damage on that perennial scapegoat of vandals everywhere: too much music and masturbation. Or, to put it in the Hemingway-worthy prose of Florida’s finest as per the arrest affidavit.

Inspired to break stuff by music, eh? I’m gonna go ahead and give 2-to-1 odds that the band Thomas was listening to rhymes with “shrimp brisket”.

Thomas was arrested and charged with burglary and criminal mischief. Let that be a warning to all you would-be garden angel killers out there: keep all music-listening and onanism to a minimum, lest you too end up with a poor, defenceless mailbox spurting collection agency letters on your hands.

[h/t NBC 4]