Music
Is Ted Cruz the singer of Christian metal band Stryper?
by Richard Howard
March 17, 2016
First Grandpa Munster, then the Zodiac Killer, now the singer of '80s band Stryper.
OK, it’s time to ask the obvious question – is presidential candidate Ted Cruz some sort of mythical shape-shifting beast that delights in taking the form of the famous and infamous from decades gone? In the past year, theories that Cruz was The Zodiac Killer and Grandpa Munster from the 1960s TV show The Munsters have gone viral.
(These theories conveniently ignore the facts that the Zodiac’s first murder occurred in 1968, and Munsters actor Al Lewis was in his 40s during the show’s 1964-1966 run, so it’d be sort of tough for the 1970-born Cruz to be either of those guys. Whatever – details, man.)
Unbelievably, there’s now a third theory, and this one is a lock because it doesn’t involve someone that was already a famous adult before Cruz was born. That’s right: Ted Cruz is totally, sure as shootin’, vocalist Michael Sweet from the ’80s Christian metal band Stryper.
When author Michael Boulerice tweeted the above pic, the CruzCarnators (you know, Cruz Reincarnators? …like Birthers or Truthers? …shut up) went wild. And why not? Here are the facts: Michael Sweet is super religious. To hear the senator talk, nobody loves the Lord more than Ted Cruz. Sweet sang for Boston in the late 2000s and had moved to Massachusetts the decade before. Where’d Cruz go to law school? Oh, just a little backwoods institution called Harvard in – yup, Massachusetts. It’s science, bro.
Of course, Cruz, not wanting the truth to come out, took Stryper-guy form long enough to deny the rumours. “Michael Sweet” made the following oddly intense statement to the Daily Dot:
“It always amazes me how often posts that really matter never see the light of day, yet some wannabe comes along and posts something that is so ridiculous yet it goes viral? Twisted, yet the way it is.”
Presumably after realizing his defensiveness might raise a red flag and cause his supernatural abilities to be uncovered, Sweet posted the following good natured tweet, winky face and all:
Too late, Ted. We’re on to you. Oh, and the fact that Sweet happens to be seven years older than Cruz? Nothing that couldn’t have been accomplished with a U.S. Senator’s access to public records and a little white-out. Plus he’s a magical shapeshifter, remember? The Zodiac Killer thing may have been a joke based on Cruz’ creepiness, but go back in time and ask Granpa Munster about his conservative political views. It’ll all become clear.
Tags: Music, grandpa munster, michael sweet, Politics, stryper, ted cruz, zodiac killer
