Music

Red Lobster sales spike thanks to Beyonce

by Jeremy Mersereau

Calling it now: we’re not going to get a better story about a pop star’s new single with lyrics about going to Red Lobster as a reward for good sex leading to a sales bump for the seafood chain for the rest of 2016. “B-but… it’s only February!” I know, I might be crazy, but it’s just a hunch.

According to restaurant/subpar Twitter account owner Red Lobster, Beyoncé’s new single, video, and Super Bowl performance of “Formation” led to a 33% increase in Super Bowl Sunday sales, compared to last year. Red Lobster spokeswoman Erica Ettori said the restaurant was mentioned 42,000 times in an hour and trended for the first time ever.

“When he fuck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay” goes a line in the new Bey single, alongside other, less bizarre lyrics alluding to Beyoncé’s wealth, police brutality, and possibly being a black Bill Gates in the making. The song and its attendant video have also predictably caused controversy in certain circles for being perceived as anti-police, leading to a 33% increase in overblown paranoia and suspicion, though that figure is admittedly an approximation.

Get cracking, Five Guys. Can you imagine what a Young Thug lyric about your cheeseburgers as a sex benefit would do for your brand? Actually, what am I giving free ideas to foreign brands for? Tim Hortons, I’m sure Drake can still work in a line about going on a coffee run after getting charged up on Views from the 6 somewhere.