Music

8 artists we can blame on YouTube

by Jeremy Mersereau

Only one tech company is powerful enough to launch the careers of innumerable fresh-faced youngsters and cloyingly twee duos doing ironic, winking covers of noted abuser Chris Brown’s songs, and it’s not Uber (they’re more into launching over regulatory hurdles).

When Steve Chen, Chad Hurley, and Jawed Karim were inspired to build a video-sharing website back in the heady days of 2005, did they know they’d be creating the go-to platform for everyone from MRAs to crypto-MRAs to upload their cat and ice bucket challenge injury videos? Not to mention countless instances of narcissistic personality disorder so damning they might as well be linked in the DSM-V as case studies?

Perhaps no demographic has had their paradigm more ruthlessly shifted by YouTube than aspiring musicians. Nowadays, no one who uploads videos of themselves singing is safe from the possibility of viral insta-fame, whether positive (Bieber) or less so (Rebecca Black). While the Internet has given some with real talent the opportunity to shine, in other cases, we wonder if we would’ve been better off if we’d never entered the fantasy realm known only as “On-Line.” *In Cipher from The Matrix voice while he eats the digi-steak* “You know what I’ve realized? Ignorance is bliss.” Oh well, at least we get strange comments from teens to temper the transition into the singularity.

Here are eight artists whose existence can be blamed on the ‘Tube:

Pomplamoose

Best comment:

If these ding-dongs were crafting their bloodless Beyoncé covers a decade ago, we’d never know this duo’s annoyingly twee name, or have Nataly Dawn’s flat, dead stare (and phrasing) permanently seared into our brains. Thanks to the endless possibility/endless terror that is the Internet and its love of watered-down R&B covers, we got the most hilariously out-of-touch woe-is-us narrative and shadiest marketing initiative ever from that news cycle. Still, I’ll take a million listless versions of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” over Jack Conte’s full-body cringe-inducing Patreon rap.

Karmin

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Pomplamoose: The 4% More “Urban” Edition. Hopefully we’re finally at of the end of the cutesy couples getting record deals off the back of watered-down hip-hop covers era, or the CCGRDOTBOWDHHCE as historians are calling it. Karmin singer Amy Heidemann said they split ways with Epic Records in 2014 because, ahem, “we wanted to be a little bit nerdier than we think they had hoped.” You don’t say.

Soulja Boy

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Hey, as an aside: was Chris Lilley ever taken to task for his blackface portrayal of a Soulja Boy type on Angry Boys back in 2011? Well, good. Seriously, how was this allowed on TV? Oh, right: Australia. Young DeAndre Cortez Way was inspired to create a YouTube channel after his self-produced music got a positive response on Soundclick, and… ehh, I can’t do this, I keep thinking about S. Mouse. Seriously! What the hell, Chris Lilley?!

Cody Simpson

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Speaking of Australia, here’s Justin Barbie. YouTube heartthrob Cody Simpson got millions of YouTube hits off the back of a few Jason Mraz and Justin Timberlake covers, eventually making enough of an impression on record producer and songwriter Shawn Campbell that he was signed to Atlantic. *In Paul Harvey voice* “Now you know… the rest of the story.” What? You don’t know the rest of the Cody Simpson story? Well, rest assured, it’s deeply uninteresting.

5 Seconds of Summer

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OK, it was funny at first, but now I’m wondering if there’s something in the murderous jellyfish-infested waters of the Land Down Under that compels teens to get baffling haircuts, upload acoustic covers, and somehow get famous off them. All-grommet pop-punk crew 5 Seconds of Summer earned a slot opening for One Direction on their 2013 world tour after this video of their inoffensive Chris Brown cover, among others, became mega-popular.

Austin Mahone

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Justin’s clon first garnered attention for this cover of the Bieb’s ode to seasonal affective disorder, “Mistletoe”, jumps-starting his launch into the industry stratosphere. Here’s a sentence that will really make the incomprehensible nature of modern life hit home: In 2013, Mahone was named Digital and Brand Strategist for PepsiCo-Aquafina®‘s new FlavorSplash® line of flavoured sparkling water marketed to teens. That’s the best-case scenario for posting your music on YouTube, honestly.

Walk Off The Earth

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Burlington’s (and Ellen DeGeneres’) favourite uni-guitards probably didn’t think their one-trick pony act would lead to riches and fame or a Christmas special when they decided it would be funny to huddle around a single acoustic guitar like some kind of Dickensian commentary back in 2012. Well, got ye! They quickly racked up 127 million ‘Tube views in four months with their the 1-girl-10-hands take on Gotye’s (another AUSTRALIAN!) miserablist classic. Incoming great joke alert: Hopefully now they can afford a second guitar! HA HA HA HA!

And, of course:

Justin Bieber

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The story of how the Bieb boy was plucked from obscurity thanks to a grown man named Scooter serendipitously scoping his YouTube vids is a tale as old and well-trod as say, the Crucifixion, so there’s little point in re-hashing it here. Here’s something you may not know about the whole affair though: Apparently, the Bieb’s mom was so shaken by Scooter Braun’s Judaism she prayed to God for guidance, eventually scolding the omnipotent deity by saying “God, you don’t want this Jewish kid to be Justin’s man, do you?” Good thing for the Bieb’s legions of fans Pat Mallette found her religious tolerance in the end.