Music

11 of the strangest Christmas songs

by Dan MacRae

There’s a reason why 85% of your Facebook feed makes a big huffy show about how much they hate the tunes that spring up during the Christmas season. Holiday Jamz are a volume business where the quality control is low, the shameless cash-in element is high, and escape is nigh impossible. This dynamic invites a lot of cuckoo bananacakes nutbardom into the seasonal songbook.

Maybe it’s just the egg nog talking, but we here at AUX are in the mood to celebrate the strange. As a December public service, we’ve put together a manager scene populated with 11 weird-ass tracks that range from delightfully eccentric to STOP HUFFING FRANKINCENSE IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN. Here they are in no particular order.

Paul McCartney – “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reggae”

You shouldn’t even hit play on the video above. Just mutter “for fuck’s sake, Macca” and slide off into the night. A B-side to the insidious earworm of a holiday “classic” that is “Wonderful Christmastime,” “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reggae” is a baffling instrumental offering that should have just been replaced with a recording of Sir Paul counting his money. In case you’re curious, it’s about as reggae as anything you’d hear on John Tesh’s radio show.

John Denver – “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)”

This is musical misery through and through and who doesn’t enjoy that around the holiday season? “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” offers up the tale of a boy pleading with his pops not to get blotto during the holidays and make his poor mama cry. Lyrics about finding daddy collapsed under the tree make this Christmas country staple about as cheery as watching Rudolph get waterboarded by Billy Bob Thornton. It’s all a laugh when you hear it with your friends or caseworker with some liquor in a mug, but it morphs into sobbing in the fetal position when heard alone. Alan Jackson’s peppier take isn’t a thrill-a-minute either.

Bonus Weird: It’s really hard to shake the image of the child just being an 8-year-old with John Denver’s adult head plopped on top.

The Cryptkeeper – “Christmas Rap”

If there’s one thing boils and ghouls know about Tales From The Crypt, it’s that tasteful restraint is the name of the game. Nah, we’re just fucking with you. The 1994 tie-in holiday slashterpiece Have Yourself A Scary Little Christmas is everything you prayed it would be. Titles like “Should Old Cadavers Be Forgot,” “We Wish You’d Bury the Missus” and “Deck the Halls with Parts of Charlie” should probably clue you in to everything you need to know. (Read: It’s a one-joke album but it’s got the Cryptkeeper so it’s got more life than it should.) One of the highlights? A supremely goofy hip-hop adjacent offering with the imaginative title of “Christmas Rap.” Our host guides us through a scene that includes Jason Voorhees pining to have Robert Redford’s face and the stunning revelation that the Headless Horseman “lost his butt.”

Move over, “Silver Bells.”

Afroman – “Afroman Is Coming To Town”

Crushed that Kevin Smith enabled one hit wonder Afroman hasn’t released a Christmas offering? WE HAVE VERY EXCITING NEWS FOR YOU AND YOUR REMARKABLY AWFUL TASTE IN HOLIDAY MUSIC! The “Because I Got High” tunesmith has cranked out a shitload of Christmas tunes including “Police Blow My Wad” (to the tune of “Feliz Navidad”) and “Deck My Balls.” Why not take a big puff of “Afroman Is Coming To Town” which gives the Afroman twist to one of the most recognizable holiday standards. That twist being farty bass, Colt 45s, and weed. At least it’s better than the Pentatonix Christmas CD your mom has on a loop.

NewSong – “The Christmas Shoes”

For Christ’s sake… Quite possibly the most maudlin fucking tune in a season stuffed with ’em, “The Christmas Shoes” is a concentrated dose of batshit crazy aimed directly at email forward enthusiasts. Resembling something Trey Parker would growl out as a gag on South Park, NewSong knocked out a syrupy contemporary Christian radio ballad about a child trying to buy fancy shoes for his dying mother so she doesn’t look like a total piece of shit when she meets Jesus in heaven. (Heaven is for real and Jesus isn’t gonna let your terminally ill mother waltz in with Crocs on. Show some class, mama. Heaven’s where Babe Ruth lives.) Will this poor boy get the shoes even though he doesn’t have money to pay for them? Well, you know the answer already because the song gets its cloying ooze everywhere during the holidays. Shit, this thing even got its own made-for-TV adaptation on CBS with Rob Lowe as the man confronted if he should help this desperate moppet out or not. For a proper evisceration of “The Christmas Shoes,” check out Patton Oswalt’s take on the track.

Jim Jones feat. Stack Bundles and Mel Matrix – “Dipset X-Mas Time”

Was a 2006 Jim Jones Christmas album necessary? No. Was it a blessing? Yes. A naked attempt to wring more dough out of the hit single “We Fly High” (the star-studded remix makes an appearance) gave us the treasure that is A Dipset X-Mas. The highlight? Jim Jones, Mel Matrix, and Stack Bundles (R.I.P.) transmogrifying Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” (there it is again) so it feels like hot chocolate in a mug with the right amount of liquor, marshmallows, and cashflow. Shit, this skeleton crew of dudes of varying Dipset rankings were topping the Beatles way before Migos. Overlook as novelty at your own risk.

Arcade Fire – “A Very Arcade Fire Xmas”

Visions of Régine Chassagne twirling in front of a garish crystal (BUT POLITICAL) advent calendar spring to mind when you combine “Arcade Fire” and “Xmas” but this ramshackle offering comes from way back yonder in the band’s pre-breakout era. “A Very Arcade Fire Xmas” closes out a 2001 EP the outfit knocked out as a Christmas gift and it sounds exactly like a bunch of drunks fucking about without a single papier-mâché head in sight. Simpler times. Some will be charmed with its shaggy structure and vocal goofs, others will want to rip out their own skeleton and throw it at the stereo because it’s so irritating. Either way, better than large chunks of Reflektor.

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John – “I Think You Might Like It”

The mighty forces of Travolta and Newton-John realigned for this charity single that doubles as a blast of garbage water right to the mouth. Well-intentioned but terrible, “I Think You Might Like It” celebrates being home for the holidays and the excitement that comes from seeing Travolta rocking that chain wallet in the video. The song’s a tepid casserole of Branson country, so it’s best to absorb the ridiculousness of its visual accompaniment. The video looks like what would happen if John Travolta joined a cult and was forced to appear in its insane promotional material. Scratch that. This video looks like what would happen if John Travolta joined a second cult and was forced to appear in its insane promotional material. The Grease alums line dance, cruise around in a convertible, and avoid interfering with a soldier’s big return home for Christmas. Seasonal magic everybody!

Ali Lohan – “Lohan Holiday”

Lindsay Lohan’s lil’ sister wishes you a blissful “Lohan Holiday”, which we presume is a bring your own aircraft carrier of prescription drugs type affair. Lindsay provides guest vocals on this gooey mess and we presume Dina was slumped in a chair nearby. Poor tween Ali. She’s been tasked with selling THE BRAND of spending the holidays with Lohans and that’s a rotten thing to do to a child. (Also a Lohan-y thing.) Maybe she’s the only one that can pull off lyrics about snow with any non-coke credibility.

There’s a reason why the only YouTube video we could find featuring the track is one that clowns on Lindsay.

Joe Pesci – “If It Doesn’t Snow For Christmas”

In 1998, Joe Pesci struck while the iron was lukewarm with a 14-track offering as his My Cousin Vinny alter-ego Vincent LaGuardia Gambini. (Sorry, Gone Fishin‘ fans. You’ll have to keep waiting for Joe Waters Sings Just For You.) Included on this remarkably unnecessary full-length is the holiday cut “If It Doesn’t Snow On Christmas” which serves as a jolly update of the Gene Autry tune with SASSY COMEDY SWEARZ thrown in. That’s about it. It’s the sort of thing you’d sneak into a holiday playlist as a joke and then feel sheepish about when everyone at the party glares at you for ruining everything for everyone. Imagine the t-shirt shop from Jersey Shore but as a half-assed Christmas song.

Some Star Wars Abomination – “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)”

Come back Jar Jar. Most is forgiven.