Music

This high school cancelled dances due to the grinding and twerking epidemic

by Dan MacRae

Hey high school kids! Are you fond of grinding, twerking, and wiggling it (just a little bit) at the big dance? If so, stay the hell out of Gorham, Maine.

Bangor Daily News has placed a spotlight on the local principal’s anti-twerking/anti-grinding campaign. In a bid to chuck butt-n-genital affiliated choreography off campus, Gorham High School principal Chris Record has banned all school dances for the entirety of 2015-16 with prom being the big sparkly exception.

YOU’RE GETTIN’ FOOTLOOSE’D, GORHAM HIGH SCHOOL!

Record says he doesn’t consider America’s Grinding Epidemic® to be the fault of kids.

“Before my arrival in 2008 and since, GHS administration, dance chaperones, some students, and some parents have struggled with the modern dance culture,” said Record in a letter on the school’s website. “It is by no means the students’ fault, but the dancing they have witnessed on MTV/VHS/movies involves primarily only sexually suggestive grinding. Grinding basically involves a girl having her back and buttocks pushed up/pulled up against the boy’s groin with the boy’s hands on her hips and other places. There is a spectrum of this dancing that includes some space between the partners to absolutely no space and even the girl bending over in front of the boy.”

Yes, he wrote VHS. Your mom’s flood-damaged copy of Fried Green Tomatoes is corrupting the youth of today. Warn her! Warn everybody!

“We believe the US dance culture has moved beyond what a high school can condone or control effectively,” noted Record before putting on an ol’ timey felt hat and looking solemnly out the window.

Congratulations Principal Record, you’ve just morphed into a villain from a Step Up installment that’s still to be made.