Film + TV

The Full House musical is ruining everyone's childhood

by Richard Howard

While nobody expected Full House! The Musical! to be the next Hair, it seems that the off-off-broadway show is even worse than we could have imagined. With a level of disgust that borders on rage, reviewers that caught Wednesday’s premiere at Toronto’s Randolph Theatre aren’t mincing words about how much they hated the play.

It’s not that the raunchy parody of the beloved ’80s/’90s TV show offended their delicate tastes. Between being a National Lampoon presentation and being advertised as “twisted”, “dark” and “put[ting] an adult spin on ABC’s Friday night family sitcom,” the NSFW content was pretty obvious. No, the issue the reviewers have taken is that, the show just plain isn’t funny. (In fact, both reviews currently published started by saying that almost verbatim.)

The premise, I’d have to agree, is pretty ridiculous. First, The Olsen Twins (yes, apparently that’s the name of the singular Michelle Tanner character) falls and hits her head, transforming her into a Hollywood socialite (like the real life Olsen Twins – get it??). In a similarly inspired transformation, eldest daughter DJ becomes a nymphomaniac while trying to get the attention of boys. And middle daughter Stephanie? Well, in a bid to be popular she tries and subsequently becomes addicted to meth. Y’know, like Jodie Sweetin, the actress who played her on Full House did in real life. Nice, guys.

The Toronto Star and Digital Journal‘s critics took pains to make clear that they have nothing against a raunchy and offensive parody; The problem, they say, was that this one was done really shittily. F’rinstance – main protagonist Danny Tanner’s transformation is apparently a gradual one from mild mannered Danny to foul mouthed Bob Saget. That’s a pretty funny idea with lots of promise.

What probably didn’t help (beyond the reportedly weak-ass writing) is the fact that Tanner is played by Perez Hilton. Yes, the guy who recycles TMZ celebrity news and draws dicks on people’s faces. And while the rest of the cast were deemed to be “perfectly capable singers and performers” (with ‘Olsen Twins’ Marshall Louise particularly worthy of praise), the lament was that they were “confined to an embarrassing script.” Here are some choice passages from the reviews:

“The most unintentionally ironic moment in “Full House! The Musical!” comes when Tanner patriarch Danny (Perez Hilton) throws wanna-be comic Uncle Joey’s (Seth Blum) catchphrase right back at him in song: “Cut it out! / You’re just not funny.” That’s what I wanted to scream at the show itself from my seat.”

“This stage show’s writers and directors, Bob and Tobly McSmith, attack the original sitcom’s gentle image like a steamroller crushing a daisy. Full House: The Musical! is so obnoxious and mean-spirited that it makes you realize what a bold absurdist masterwork Cannibal! The Musical is.”

“There are also endless double-entendres and references to private anatomy parts, most at a level that stopped being funny when I was a high-school junior.”

“There are plenty of local comedians doing TV-themed improv shows, like Gilmore GirlProv and the Star Trek-themed Holodeck Follies, and doing it better. Please give them your money instead.”