Film + TV

7 TV music memories from Retrontario

by Jesse Locke

For anyone who grew up in Canada’s most populous province with eyeballs glued to the tube, Retrontario is a bottomless well of the forgotten warm and fuzzies.

Launched as a YouTube channel in 2008 with a website following in 2011, the project spearheaded by obsessive archivist Ed Conroy is self-described as a celebration of “the neglected corners of Ontario’s rich televisual history.” Sifting through home recordings from VHS and Betamax bonanzas typically scored at garage sales, the site features an utterly absurd amount of commercials, station IDs, news clips, and other interstitial moments preserved in analog amber. As Conroy explained to The Toronto Star, the majority of his desired source material was captured by accident when dad or mom left the VCR recording all night.

Shouting out to YTV hosts Tarzan Dan and PJ “Jazzy” Jan, we’ve collected seven of the best musical moments shared by the site. Of course, this is simply the tip of the Retrontario iceberg.

RapCity animated theme

The O.G. animated intro to MuchMusic’s RapCity features a Poochie lookalike with a boombox strutting through a bumping cityscape. Daft Punk might have been taking notes. This graffiti fever dream emerged from the mind of illustrator Alex “Runt” Currie, who is also responsible for the mural art on storied Toronto venue Lee’s Palace.

Tarzan Dan on The Hitlist

Back when a “vine video” meant something else entirely, Tarzan Dan was the smooth talking host of YTV‘s Hitlist. Teasing the latest singles from Mariah Carey and Mr. Big against Seinfeld slap bass style background music, he looks early ’90s fresh with a headset mic under a stylish cap that we’d pay big bucks for.

“Choose”

The host of this 1989 clip featuring an underage anti-drinking song is a lot less charismatic and frankly pretty terrifying. Video Man’s greenscreened body (outside of his lips and sunglasses) busts out some drunk-uncle-at-a-wedding dance moves while he and his narc-tween crew belt out the immortal question: “You gonna run with the drinking crowd, or walk cool?”

Spoons change into Thrifty’s

Burlington, ON synth-pop band Spoons clearly had provincial pride, with the video for their biggest hit “Romantic Traffic” filmed entirely in Toronto’s subway system. Back in 1985, they also helped a fledgling discount denim store called Thrifty’s off the ground before it would later change its name to Bluenotes. This New Wave rave earworm is pure ’80s retromania with its rototoms, flying V, and feathered hair.

Milton Bradley Groove Tube

Whether zipping around on old school skateboards, playing schoolyard hopscotch, or bouncing up and down on pogo balls, these kids kept their Groove Tubes spinning. In reality, at least according to sad YouTube commenter ‘kidfortoday’, “These things were absolutely useless. The plastic was flimsy and you could never pass the ball like how they show in the commercial. Two minutes of fun and then in the trash it went.”

Maple Leaf Gardens Ice Capades

Barbie, Olympic silver medalist Elizabeth Manley, and some nightmare-inducing live-action Simpsons… on ice! Aye caramba!

PJ “Jazzy” Jan rap attack

After London’s eye-patch-sporting MC Pirate and his breakdance crew force you to walk the plank, PJ “Jazzy” Jan fires back with a minimal beat that could have come from the Neptunes. You can’t front on lyrics like this: “Did I hear you say / ‘It’s in PJs like pyjamas?’ / I don’t think so, I think nay / But whoa, I’ll tell you now / Program jockey, just the letters / And don’t you touch the dial / ‘Cuz dudes, it gets better.”