Music

Balloon Boy is now the frontman of a ridiculous heavy metal band

by Richard Howard

Remember the ‘Balloon Boy’ saga? For those not familiar, it was an incident so weird it bordered on surreal: The wacky Heene family (including crazy inventor dad Richard) told police that their giant helium balloon had escaped from their yard and they thought six-year-old Falcon (not their pet, their unfortunately named son) was inside.

The story blew up with crazy news coverage of this spacecraft-looking thing floating through the air as the world waited on the edges of their seats for the thrilling conclusion. Which wasn’t at all thrilling – Falcon wasn’t inside, he was found hiding in the attic. At least, that’s what the Heenes attempted to have us believe until Falcon dropped the ball in an interview and more or less admitted it was a publicity stunt. The parents received short jail sentences, but worse yet, they never got that reality show they had been campaigning for long before the incident. Coincidentally, of course. Case closed.

Nope! Case open! Because father Richard Heene has finally realized the obvious: When attempting to shamelessly use your children for publicity and wealth, you gotta stick to the tried and true method of making them musicians or athletes. Falcon and his brothers Ryo and Bradford have now come together to form The Heene Boyz. Billed as ‘the world’s youngest metal band’ (definitely not true), they’ve decided in true Heene fashion to go big or go home. Rather than a ho-hum 45-minute gig, they’re offering up their own ‘rockestra’ musical comedy entitled American Chilly.

The promotional video is absolutely fantastic, featuring clearly unrelated stock footage/sound clips of rabid crowds and pointless pull quotes such as “…across the country to pursue a heavy metal career” or “American Chilly will make you flush.” As for the band’s sound? Well, ever seen Spinal Tap? Yeah. Except this isn’t satire. It is absolutely necessary that you watch this music video for their subtly titled track “Balloon Boy No Hoax.”

Richard Heene, father of the year. Stay tuned and catch the Heenes in the next six years when Falcon runs for city council and Rich manages his campaign.