Sports

This Christina Aguilera parody perfectly describes the anguish of being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan

by Mark Teo

Unless you’re over the age of 50, being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan is—and always has been—tough. But this season, the team has reached Charlie Brown-esque levels of tragicomedy: In the fall, they spurned the advanced statisticians by rattling off a near-record six-game win streak. By December, they proved the Corsi and PDO heads correct, and now, they’ve tied a franchise-record losing streak dropping their 10th straight to Nashville on Tuesday. Worse still, thanks to their early-season success, the plummeting Leafs won’t even get a crack at a top draft pick—and 2015’s prospect class, headed by soon-to-be franchise centres Jack Eichel and Connor McDavid, is being touted as one of the best ever.

Their biggest organizational need, of course, is centres. And Eichel and McDavid will be long gone by the chance the Leafs pick next July.

But 10-game slide notwithstanding, for Leafs fans, things have been terrible for more than a decade. Ex-GM John Ferguson Jr., when he was prevented from rebuilding the franchise by short-sighted ownership, reacted by trading then-ace goaltending prospect Tuuka Rask for one-time Calder Trophy winner Andrew Raycroft. Now, Rask has won two cup with the Boston Bruins; Raycroft, after being banished to Europe, has retired. The last time they made the playoffs, they took the Bruins to seven games, and, after leading 4-1 in the third period, squandered that lead in one of the biggest chokes in hockey history. They signed Mimico plugger David Clarkson to a multi-million dollar, seven-year deal—and now, he’s relegated to the fourth line. And, of course, there’s the coaching carousel: Neither Paul Maurice, Ron Wilson, Randy Carlyle, or current coach Peter Horachek have been able to coax winning ways from a core of led by Dion Phaneuf and Phil Kessel.

Now, they’re beginning to lose their fans’ legendary loyalty. The 2014-2015 season has seen countless jerseys tossed onto the ice, something which Rheostatics guitarist Dave Bidini—in a Twitter meltdown—compared to seeing soldiers fallen on the battlefield. Meanwhile, GM Dave Nonis and President Brendan Shanahan have done little to shake up the roster—and fans, like Steven Ryan, are getting impatient.

Ryan, for his part, voiced his displeasure by posting a parody of Christina Aguilera’s “Say Something” on YouTube—only tweaked to reflect the woes of the Leafs. And he absolutely nails the agony of being a Leafs fan: “I will swallow my pride / You’re the team that I love so I won’t say goodbye / Win for once, I’m giving up on you / Can’t forget game seven that you blew / That 4-1 lead should have got us through / Carlyle we’ve had Phaneuf of you.”

Watch the entire video below. And cry along with us.