Music

Nickelbacking is the newest and worst way to pick up women

by Mark Teo

It’s hard to out-dick Chad Kroeger. Hard, we’re reminded infrequently, but not impossible.

So, what can make Nickelback even worse than they already are? The addition of pickup artistry. Let’s rewind for a second. Remember The Pick Up Artist, the short-lived MTV reality TV show about hapless men trying to “game” up unsuspecting women? No? Good God, you’re lucky. Here’s a primer: Inspired by Neil Strauss’s book, The Game, the show was driven by a quote-unquote master of seduction named Mystery, who advised hapless men on how bed the women of their dreams. Mostly, he promoted a pickup strategy revolving around terms like negging (actively insulting women in order to demean them), peacocking (see: wearing fedoras) and closing (a disgusting sales term used to denote success).

Mystery, the walking soulpatch pictured above, is the pickup artist world’s greatest celebrity—and he’s helped spread this dumb bullshit everywhere. Including Canada, where we have sociopathic ex-doctors practising the perv, hapless pickup artists swinging their dicks around on public transit , and packs of blue-balled lads swarming Toronto’s Eaton Centre for prey in a move called going in “beast mode.” (The latter was once caught and stomped out by Reddit.)

So yes, if there’s anyone who can out-dick Kroeger, it’s Mystery, née Erik von Markovic. And recently, after a botched pickup attempt, both worlds collided in an act of pickup artistry we can only call Nickelbacking. After Mystery met a young woman at a club, he sent her this text.

The video that followed might be the worst pickup attempt ever: It’s a video of Mystery grinning along to Nickelback while holding a cigarette, a move that inspired an unstoppable case of the douche shivers. We can’t embed the video here—you’ll have to go over to Gawker to see it, and you should—but here’s a preview for your, uh, enjoyment.

Photo: Gawker

Y’ALL BEEN NICKELBACKED.