Music

15 of the worst Canadian music videos

by Mark Teo

As Canadians, we’re used to the critcisms: We’re too polite. We’re too bland. We’re too derivative of our pals to the South. All these criticism are half-true (just kidding; they’re completely false!), and they apply to our music videos, too. We’ve produced some spectacular, but memorable, failures throughout the years—and that includes a string of shockingly bad music videos that, despite their inclusion on this list, are part of us and we just so happen to love with all our hearts. (Okay, maybe not all of them.)

Thanks to AUX’s Chayne Japal, Tyler Munro, and Aaron Zorgel for suggesting these videos.

What best-worst Canadian videos do you most remember?

 

1. Prozzak — “www.nevergetoveryou”

It’s now almost inconceivable that the, uh, “virtual” animated pop group of Simon and Milo actually existed. What’s even more surprising is “www.nevergotoveryou.com,” their laughably outdated ode to technology that rhymed “female” and “e-mail.” No surprise that the URL in the song’s title remains vacant—cybersquatters don’t even want to touch it. Also, it’s NOT A FULL URL.

 

2. Skip the Foreplay — “This City”

So much cognitive dissonance. And so many questions! French-Canadian metalcore bros? Dubstep? Animated tigers? We’re not sure if we despise this video or if we absolutely love it.

 

3. Chuggo — “Ah, C’Mon”

The dominant white-rapper controversy of the day is about whether Macklemore is either a., the beacon of progressive values in hip hop, or b., a patronizing, guilt-wracked upper-middle-classer who, thanks to a half-baked sense of liberalism, postures as the mouthpiece of communities he has no business representing. Shit’s complicated in 2013. I mean, back in 2005, the shining light of white rap was a sceptre-toting dude who proclaimed that “I fuck all day / That’s why I stink.”

 

4. Edwin — “Alive”

You thought “douche chill” was a figurative expression, until a hang-gliding, triathlon-running, Oakley-clad Edwin wrote a soft-dick U2 ripoff and filmed a video for it. We wouldn’t be surprised if he wore those disgusting Vibram toe shoes for the entirety of this video. See? The douche chill. It’s an actual real actual thing.

 

5. Madchild — “Devil’s Reject”

Swollen Members are still the reigning kings of Canadian snowboard rap, which makes the existence “Devil’s Reject” that much more puzzling. Did Madchild really need a new audience? And if so, how does that explain this video, which has him tying up a woman and terrorizing her in Juggalo face paint? Is he really trying to market himself to corn-fed American Midwestern horrorcore fans who listen strictly to Necro and Ill Bill?

 

6. Jordy Birch — “The Moola Song”

If the terrible voiceovers weren’t enough, it appears that Jordy Birch’s idea of fun was surfing the Internet with Netscape, go-go dancers in orange wigs, and Chippendale dancers in Mariachi hats.

 

7. Default — Wasting My Time

This 2001 video used cutting-edge “CGI” to transport members of these wannabe-Nickelbackers inside of a watch. It was like a much, much hokier take on the Killjoys’ charming (and infinitely better) “Soaked,” which had a Honey We Shrunk The Kids-sized band performing inside a radio to a giant, funky rocker chick.

 

8. Ricky J — “No Means No”

Sometimes, you’ll hear snarky misguided reviewers call bro-ready tunes “date rape anthems.” Usually, they mean it in a tongue-in-cheek, if tasteless, way. Ricky J’s “No Means No,” however, is actually creepy because it seems to be about the heinous act, displaying that the rapper doesn’t firmly grasp the concept of consent. (He’s likely spending his Friday evenings firmly grasping something else, amirite?) The highlight of the song: J raps, “I really wanna hit it girl / No means no? / I can do it for a minute, girl.” He’s essentially pleading for “just the tip.”

 

9. Theory of a Deadman — “Bitch Came Back”

The video for “Bitch Came Back” is problematic. It has a revenge-based plot, like Last House On the Left or I Spit On Your Grave. And like those films, “Bitch”‘s central, but not only, conflict involves a woman on a quest for revenge against her male aggressors. But typically, in revenge narratives, the vengeance itself isn’t the issue—it’s how the female lead extracts her revenge. In TOADM’s video, the main character, whose fandom is spurned by the band with the implication that they’d rather sleep with other groupies, systematically kills each member, each more gruesomely than the next. Fun, right?

But while audiences might delight in the murders—in fact, some might argue they’re righteous—there are deeper gender-based questions at play: our heroine is resolving her problems (being rejected) with traditionally masculine solutions (by using phallic weapons to execute and emasculate her victims, with the most obvious involving a cobra castrating the band’s alpha-male singer, Tyler Connolly). This isn’t simply about a female reclaiming her pride; it suggests that reclaiming her honour involves degrading others, embracing vigilantism, and achieving goals with violence. Long story short: The only way for women to claim their rightful dignity, the band suggests, is by acting more like the worst type of men. (This is the same rhetoric MacLean’s used in a reviled feature that claimed that corporate women should “man up” to further their careers.)

Problematic, see? But we digress. The real issue here: This video sucks.

 

10. Don Cherry and Chris Sheppard — “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Techno”

Does anyone else find it hypocritical that Don Cherry railed on “chicken Swedes” and champions “playing the game the Canadian way,” (this is perhaps akin to P.K. Subban playing the game the “white way”), all while scoring his Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em series with Eurodance? Chris Sheppard, you’re a superstar, baby. So stick with Love Inc., a band we’d love to see reunite.

 

11. Alexandros Zapata — “No Money No Candy”

Dear lord. This is like Bangs, only more French Canadian and way less charming.

 

12. Spookey Ruben — “Wendy McDonald”

Toronto-based artist Spookey Ruben scored a veritable hit with “These Days Are Old,” which looked like a failed art-school VHS collage set to an absurdly lobotomized chorus. I mean, who can forget “whoopee doopee why eye oh poo yaaaa-aaay?” On “Wendy McDonald,” we get a dizzying, vomit-inducing anti-anthem to fast food, bursting at the seams with ’90s video detritus. (See: the purple filter applied to the sky.) This Wedge staple, though, is ultimately

 

13. Len — “It’s My Neighbourhood”

We love Len. We love the fact they they repped Snug jeans. And their liberal usage of Moka Only at his goofball best. And the visible brother-sister relationship at their core. “Steal My Sunshine,” it should be noted, is arguably the second best Canadian one hit wonder ever, right behind “Drinkin’ in L.A.”

But “It’s My Neighbourhood”? It’s a video about civic pride that feels like it was funded by Toronto’s tourism industry. Guys, if you want to know how to do city pride right, take a cue from Drizzy: Buy a fucking “Started From the Bottom” billboard that dwarfs an entire neighbourhood.

 

14. Nickelback — “Photograph”

Yes, it’s the video that spawned an admittedly hilarious Collegehumor parody. We get it. Nickelback sucks, and this list would feel incomplete without them. But after a decade of ire, it almost feels almost cheap to hate Kroeger and co. In musical circles, loathing the ‘Back is akin to liking the Arcade Fire—meaning it’s the easiest, least controversial musical stance you can take. Yes, yes, we hear you: Nickelback has legions of fans who back their every move. But they have a seemingly equal amount of high-profile detractors, and hating on them is beginning to feel like kicking an extremely wealthy, successful dog when it’s down. Nonetheless, “Photograph” is a terrible video, mostly because it opens with Chad Kroeger actually holding up a photograph of himself, but the image is so literal—and so lacking in self-awareness—that we’re shocked that it isn’t an hit among post-ironists. Viva Nickelback.

 

15. Serial Joe — “Mistake”

It’s a populist decision to include “Mistake” on this list, because whenever I ask people about their least favourite video, they refer this Dep-coated Serial Joe number. Personally, were I to choose a terrible SJ vid, it’d be “Skidrow”—if only for the teenybop mosh it includes—but if Canadians at large hate one video singularly, it’s “Mistake.” It’s too bad, because if you ask me, the song’s hard as heck—I mean, shit, their drums emulate the snare sound on ’90s hardcore classics like Snapcase’s Progression Through Unlearning and Hatebreed’s Satisfaction is the Death of Desire. I don’t even care that SJ’s moms wrote their lyrics using snippets from skate mags. “Mistake” makes me want to mosh and mosh and never stop moshing.