Music

Chris Brown wants you to cut him some slack (also, he probably faked his community service)

by Tyler Munro

Chris Brown’s life the last few years is like one of those Ben Stiller movies where terrible things keep happening to the main character only the main character is a piece of shit doing terrible things and everyone’s rooting against him.

This has led to another outburst from the wife-beating, phone stealing, chair tossing dancer-slash-singer wherein he frustratingly asks fans and critics to cut him some slack. It’s long and horribly written, but basically he wrote nearly 300 words explaining why he isn’t try to play the victim, begging fans for positive feedback and telling them to “lay off” since he’s been “going through this shit” since he was 19.

And speaking of “this shit,” Chris Brown reportedly (and probably) faked most his community service, which he was sentenced to 3 years ago for punching Rihanna’s face beyond recognition. Gawker highlights some of how this happened:

– He claimed to have spent eight hours picking up garbage just 3 hours after arriving after a 12 hour flight from Dubai

– He picked up trash on a private jet. For eight hours.

– He cleaned “various alleys” but wouldn’t disclose which because of “the media”

– He didn’t disclose much of anything, actually. His hours were never verified. Instead, as Gawker puts it, he would essentially “inform the police that he had performed some community service, and the police would write that down.”

– At one point, he lost 123 hours of community service. In fairness, getting caught in your own web of lies is hard when you’re a tool.

Here’s what this means if it’s true: he gets to do it all over again! But for real! The L.A. Times has the full 19-page motion filed by the L.A. County District Attorney’s Office which supports prosecution’s requests to have Brown ordered to re-do (or actually do) the 1400 hours of service he was originally sentenced to.

So, Chris, here’s our little rant to you.

Do you want to know why you aren’t getting respect? It’s shit like this. It’s because you beat a woman senseless, hid from it and refused to pay your legal penance, which all things considered should have been a total cakewalk. It’s because you refuse to take the hint. It’s because you throw temper tantrums and start fights and randomly take your shirt off while playing the victim. You are not the victim.

Most importantly, it’s because your music sucks. Give the public something else to focus on and maybe they’ll gloss over your terrible personality and atrocious track record. Nobody’s saying you’ve got to be John Lennon, but the precedent’s there. That you’re a deplorable waste of oxygen is what’s keeping you famous, with misguided tween girls missing the point and fighting the Team Breezy battle while bigger men take a step back to your shit stirring shenanigans.