Music

6 gone but not forgotten Canadian boy bands

by Mark Teo

A decade after their heydays, the boy bands of yore refuse to exit the pop-culture spotlight. Unless, of course, you happened to be Canadian. But while our long-forgotten ’90s tween-pop acts never earned the international fame of Take That or Boyzone, north of the 49, we loved them all the same. Here, our tribute to everything spray-tanned, frost-tipped, tank-topped and, of course, Canadian.

THE MOFFATTS

As fame goes, few Canadian boy bands earned the notoriety of The Moffatts, B.C.’s puka shell-rockin’ band of brothers. That’s largely because the bros—led by triplets Bob, Clint and Dave—actually had an earnest ear for castrated pop-rock: “Bang Bang Boom” (above) was their most memorable song. But then, there was “Misery.” [Ed. note: A TRUE JAM] And “I Miss You Like Crazy.” And how could we forget “Girl of My Dreams“? You’d think those singles would secure the Moffs at least a decade’s worth of stardom, but nope. Now, they’re likely living on a houseboat somewhere in Thailand. Just like your sketchy sex tourist uncle.

B4-4

Their late-’90s haters might’ve likened their golden complexions and untameable locks to troll dolls, but Toronto’s B4-4 were about more than peroxide, Dep gel, and spray tans. They were guidos years before Jersey Shore. They had sexual innuendo that way, way outcreeped Len’s curiously intimate brother-and-sister duo. They supposedly inhabited a magical toy viewfinder—remember those?—only accessible by children seeking to escape the crushing reality of urban poverty. (We don’t get it, either.) These days, B4-4’s identical twin brothers, Ryan and Dan Kowarsky, continue with the thoughtfully titled RyanDan, an opera-tinged pop project. Ohan Einbinder, the trio’s other member, is hawking headphones. Just like Dre, right?  

SOULDECISION

Of Canadian musicians, you know who aged terribly? Moist. You know who aged exceptionally? The almighty soulDecision. No, seriously: Listen to the Vancouver quartet’s sensual R&B vocals, their pastel-hued soft-rock inclinations, and their early-’90s dance-mix references. You’ll come to the same conclusion that we did—that soulDecision does Toro y Moi better than Toro y Moi does Toro y Moi. (More proof here, here, and here.) We’re pulling for a reunion tour.

3DEEP 

Technically, the ever-soulful 3Deep weren’t fully Canadian—of the group, only singer CJ Huyer’s one of ours. Yet Canada was the only place that ever cared about the trio, as internationally, Eddie Cibrian, another 3Deep member, is mostly remembered for having an affair with LeAnn Rimes. American gossip blogs called Cibrian’s boy-band roots the “skeleton in his closet.” Nice try. We’d wager the only thing hiding in dude’s closet is a pair of orange Mod Robes. (With an obligatory pair of navy blue and tan Simples.)

WAVE

While Wave weren’t a traditional boy band—they veered closer toward pop-rock world, like, say, Crazy Town—we’ll classify this Niagara duo by the company they kept: They toured with both O-Town and soulDecision, while YouTube user Ashley Clise has them queued up on her Canadian boy bands playlist. We trust her. Where’d they end up? Songwriter Paul Gigliotti, one of the creative minds behind “California,” is back in Niagara, where he writes jingles for retailers like Country Corner Market. And stuff like that.

VOICES IN PUBLIC

On the strength of “Just My Luck” alone—it was a Latin-spiced hit, with slightly ominous overtones, a la “Backstreet’s Back”—Voices in Public might be the finest thing Barrie, Ont. has ever produced. If we’re to believe the video, early-2000s Barrie was all choreographed hallway dancing, oversized Tommy Hilfiger polos, and backwards Kangol hats. Yet contemporary singer B.A. Johnston paints a very different picture: He describes it as a cesspool of Taz tattoos, oxycontin, and FUBU tracksuits. Likely racist commenter Righton2000 agrees, adding that “I love how in Canada, we can only afford the crack head [sic] Asian hookers for back up models in our music videos.” (The comments section also suggests that VIP’s Joe Heslip is now a choir teacher.)