Since Armando Cristian Pérez, better known as Pitbull, broke through to the mainstream with his hit “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho),” his lyrics have been lowering the bar for pop songwriters everywhere. Remember this chorus?

“I know you want me / You know I want’cha / I know you want me / You know I want’cha”

Breathtaking. “I Know You Want Me” is Pitbull’s second most successful single to date, peaking at number two on the Billboard Hot 100. And who could forget this ol’ number?

“We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn / We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn / We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn / We at the hotel, motel, Holiday Inn”

“Hotel Room Service” became an instant club classic, despite offering nothing beyond a repetitive nursery rhyme structure, and lyrics where Mr. Worldwide describes his semen as “egg whites.” Gross. You can almost imagine the high-level of creativity flowing in the studio while Pitbull was laying down the chorus:

Pitbull: “But wait, what rhymes with hotel?”
Engineer: “…Motel?”
Pitbull: “YOU’RE A GENIUS.”

Can we attribute Pitbull’s awful lyrics to some kind of language barrier? Is it possible that there’s some kind of “lost in translation” argument in his defence? Sure, Pitbull is a crossover artist; his appeal is as much geared towards the Latin music community as it is to pop music fans. Though the Miami-born rapper does occasionally mix Spanish lyrics into his songs, Pitbull’s music has been primarily English from day one. So, let’s continue with the guilt-free Pitbull bashing, shall we?

Global Warming is a fitting name for Pitbull’s new record, because the rapper has a lot in common with the environmental anomaly. The Earth’s rise in temperature, and Pitbull’s rise to pop-star prominence are parallel indicators that we are fucking up as a species. Are the short-term gains of corporations really trumping our desire to leave our children and grandchildren a future without an expiry date? Has our collective taste become so debased that a song about a sloppy orgy in a hotel room can launch an extremely profitable career for a weird, aging, bald rapper dressed in a suit?

In his only number one hit, the apocalyptic single “Give Me Everything,” Pitbull warns us that “for all we know, we might not get tomorrow.” Does he know something we don’t know? Did Pitbull sign a deal with the devil, promising the end of the world in exchange for a deal with Sean Combs? Moreover, is P. Diddy the devil?! [note to self: write an article about how P. Diddy is the devil]

If a group of Internet trolls can banish him to Alaska, surely we can rid the world of Pitbull entirely, if we all agree to band together. It’s like that song Paul Anka sings in The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror VI: “Just don’t look.”

Pitbull’s Global Warming leaked today, and judging by the the Afrojack-produced song “Have Some Fun” featuring The Wanted, he’s (forgive me) unleashed some of his worst lyrics to date. Here are five examples that drive the nail into the coffin: Pitbull is the worst lyricist in pop music today.

“That means my tongue is bilingual / ready to play with that spot where you tingle”

Aww yeah girl, I’m gonna take that thing in my mouth that’s slimy like a slug, and put it in that spot on your face that’s like a moist slug cave.

“Got a bingo, she’s a star — Ringo”

If you’re trying to flatter a girl, maybe don’t compare her to Ringo Starr. Unless negging is all part of Pitbull’s game.

“Some call it pimpin’ / I call it leverage / I call it slippin’ / They call it marriage”

Pitbull says he doesn’t want to settle down, but what he wants more than anything is a woman who will accept his egg whites for life.

“Mama, you can fuck like a rabbit / But no diamonds, no carats”

Pitbull has commitment issues, clearly. As a virile young man, he’s focussed on the sex drive of his girlfriend. But what he’s really going to appreciate in a long-term partner is someone who has the elbow-strength to polish his bald head four times a day, when the “Hotel, Motel” money runs dry.

“All I wanna do is have some fun / I got a feelin’ that I’m not the only one”

Pitbull thinks he can just steal a Sheryl Crow classic and get away with it? This doesn’t make me happy, and it really is that bad.