Summer is inching ever closer, and with it comes… The Festivals. They may have nutty names like Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza and Blibby-Blobby, but they’re the best way to pack a whole lot of aural sex into a short period of time. And with that comes a certain amount of danger. Even if fans shield themselves from the stifling heat, drink plenty of $9 bottles of water and steer clear of the brown acid, they still run the risk of melting down.

Here are five cautionary tales from musical festivals big and small. Take heed!

Downtown Miami’s Ultra Festival 2012 played host to New Order, Kraftwerk, M83 and, most notably, this gal making out with a palm tree. Taking a page out of the Jungle Book of Baloo, she seems willing to make it a sapling-daddy before her friends drag her away. I guess this gives a whole new meaning to the term “treefucker”! What? That’s not a term? Well, it is now.

This shirtless, pantless, shameless fella seems like he’s on a potpourri of hallucinogenic drugs. But thanks to the heat, it actually only took 3/4 of a Miller Lite to turn him into a limb-flailing dance machine. Sun hats, folks, sun hats. And if you thought this was embarrassing, he did the exact thing twenty minutes later at Dave Attell’s set in the comedy tent.

Festivals are often a disgusting sea of open-toed footwear, and this man’s body says “no more,” and simply rejects his sandal, much like a transplanted organ. He eventually manages to solve the sudoku that is threading his foot into it, but not before losing two minutes of his life that would have been better spent lying comatose in a mud puddle.

There is no good reason to get naked at a festival. Yes, the crowd will get behind you and yes, it was commonplace in the Free Love Generation, but this is the YouTube Generation and people like me are all too ready to ridicule your genitals. This plays out like the climactic scene from a movie about a man who finally gains the courage to display his micropenis. Except for the part where the cops taze him repeatedly. That’d be a deleted scene.

Why should fans be the only ones allowed to melt down? At last year’s Coachella, Ariel Pink decided to get in on the fun after a row with the festival sound engineer – the natural enemy of the touchy jet-lagged artist – and did everything but sing. This includes smoking cigarettes, curling up into a ball, picking at his thumb and eventually storming off.

So remember: if you’re gonna make a jackarse of yourself at a festival, make sure you’re getting paid for it. And you’ll probably want the money in advance too.