Remember listening to the radio? No, not on some new-fangled satellite doohickey. Not streaming it online, either, wise-guy. I’m talking about dialling into your favourite terrestrial frequency, and drumming on your steering wheel while driving, or listening to the AM/FM tuner on your very first walkman way past your bedtime. When did that become so goddamned intolerable? In 2012, listening to the radio is like a jungle safari. There are exotic wonders to be found, but you’ve gotta keep your head up at all times. Ride that radio dial like you would the vines on a tree, swinging like Tarzan from branch to branch in search of your favourite song. Avoid commercials like you would blood thirsty lions. Avoid wacky morning radio DJs like you would Ivory poachers. You’re a Pop Hunter now, and it’s time to start acting like one. Our patented RADIO SURVIVAL GUIDE will feature three songs that are brand new to pop radio, and tell you whether or not they’re worth your time. Welcome to the jungle. 

Calvin Harris – Let’s Go feat. Ne-Yo

The “We Found Love” producer is probably best known for his recent #1 collaboration with Rihanna, and he’s parlaying that success into a third solo album called TBC, to be released later this year. Harris has landed on a successful formula, and he doesn’t deviate from this much on “Let’s Go.” Ne-Yo found much success singing on top of club anthems last year with “Give Me Everything,” so the R&B singer is giving that another go here. “Let’s Go” is a catchy, driving dance pop anthem. It doesn’t reinvent the wheel, it just works within a proven formula to decent effect. Calvin Harris’ signature snare build to the drop will sound familiar to you, but it almost guarantees that this will be a peak-hour banger in the clubs in a month or so.

Musicality: 4/5
Lyrics: 4/5
Originality: 3/5
Repeat Listenability: 3/5

Total: 14/20

Radio Survival Recommendation: Tolerate this one on the radio for your first few listens, but keep in mind that the chorus is a major ear-worm. You’re going to want to avoid it at all costs once its original novelty wears off.

Far East Movement – Candy feat. Pitbull

Recorded for the Project-X soundtrack, “Candy” by Far East Movement is a transparent attempt at recapturing the magic of their breakout single “Like a G6.” Unfortunately, the track falls flat in comparison. The bassline is unremarkable, and there’s no real “chorus” to be found. Some off-putting group vocal “whoa”s are the closest thing to a hook in the song. Production-wise, it’s a mess of bleep bloops and swooosh noises. And then Pitbull drops his featured verse, and elevates the crap-factor to the pooper-echelon of stank. If you can’t already tell, I found this song incredibly annoying. It lacks all of the redeeming qualities that were present in G6, and honestly, seems like a desperate attempt to secure another goofy summer club hit.

Musicality: 2/5
Lyrics: 2.5/5
Originality: 2/5
Repeat Listenability: 2/5

Total: 8.5/20

Radio Survival Recommendation: Listen to it once, and laugh about how bad it is. Afterwards, avoid at all costs.

Madonna – Girl Gone Wild

For someone who’s most recent single sang “every record sounds the same,” Madonna isn’t making any attempt to experiment on the follow-up. It’s a textbook flavour of the moment house-instrumental (produced by Benny Benassi), with one of the most stunted, awkward vocal performances I’ve heard this year. Musically, it sounds like one of those electro-house Usher songs from a couple years ago (one of the bad ones). Lyrically it reads like Madge googled “bad girl clichés,” and furiously took notes for 5 minutes, then hopped immediately into the vocal booth. Seriously, the chorus is “Hey, I’m like a girl gone wild, a good girl gone wild. I’m like, hey. Like a girl gone wild, a good girl gone wild.” In my opinion, Madonna did contemporary dance music right on the 2005 album Confessions On A Dancefloor, and this is just embarrassing. I’m not mad that she’s a 53 year old woman claiming to be a good girl gone wild. I’m not even mad that her lyrics are overtly sexual, because that’s always kinda been her thing. I’m just disappointed in Madge, because she’s clearly got the contacts, the budget, and the exposure to do something wild and weird, and she made a record that cribs notes from the worst of pop music in 2009. It’s a shame, really.

Musicality: 3/5
Lyrics: 2/5
Originality: 2/5
Repeat Listenability: 3/5

Total: 10/20

Radio Survival Recommendation: Underwhelming, but it’s not the worst song I’ve heard recently. If your bag is house music with a cookie-cutter pop twist, this might be your thing.