Music

AUX's Guide To Holiday Albums: 2011

by Anne T. Donahue

After nearly 11 months of staggered sneak peaks into the wide world of holiday musical offerings, the goods have officially been brought to the proverbial feast. We’ve rated each album based on content, vibe, and merit. Behold our guide, wrapped just for you.

Artist: Scott Weiland Album: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year Concept: If you’ve ever wanted to recreate the feeling of hearing your father sing tipsily along to a holiday mixed tape from the confines of his wood paneled den, your Christmas present is here, and it’s wearing Scott Weiland’s fedora. Crooning along with the enthusiasm of Robert Goulet on three packs of NeoCitran, the Stone Temple Pilots frontman uses the holidays as his chance to break free from the shackles of rock and/or roll, and make classics like “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” and “Silent Night” jazzy little salsa numbers on-par with that scene in Anchorman that people continue to reference despite one million other hilarious movies having been made since. Rating: D-. Too much jazz flute, not enough leisure suits.

Sample track “Winter Wonderland”

Artist: She & Him Album: A Very She & Him Christmas Concept: There will never be enough versions of “Sleigh Bells” available, so that’s why we should be compelled to delve into M Ward and Zooey Deschanel’s vintage-inspired Christmas world. Providing the classiness most parents would prefer while indulging in various Starbucks-themed holiday beverages, A Very She & Him Christmas evokes the joy of an old-fashioned dinner, the kind you get after gorging on turkey and hating yourself while shoving extra pie into your tired mouth. Rating: B+. There’s nothing wrong with a low-key holiday, just like Doc Whats-his-name in A Muppet Family Christmas. So if you’re one to curl up on the couch, watch the snow fall, and use a single apple cinnamon candle as a beacon of light on a cold December morning, your soundtrack has arrived. Along with the sorrow.

Sample track “Christmas Wish”

Artist: Justin Bieber Album: Under the Mistletoe Concept: Not since Mariah‘s original “All I Want For Christmas” has pop music so gleefully soundtracked the holiday spirit, as Bieber and friends pa-rum-pa-rum-pum their way into our hearts, minds, wallets, and souls. If you ever wanted to hear Justin rap alongside Xzhibit or Fa-la-la-la-la with Boyz II Men, your yuletide wish has come true. And if you haven’t? There’s a reason that Santa doesn’t visit your house anymore. Rating: A. Remember the joyous feeling of bounding downstairs on Christmas morning to find out that this year, you would be treated to a sip of your Grandpa’s rum-infused egg nog and Quality Street for breakfast? (Because now you’re an adult, but not at all really?) The sound has been captured. Hanson‘s Snowed In, it’s your move.

Sample track “Under the Mistletoe”

Artist: Emmy the Great & Tim Wheeler Album: This Is Christmas Concept: It’s a Christmas miracle! Hardly the poor man’s She & Him, England’s Emmy and Tim have delivered a literal bundle of joy, offering you bangers like “Jesus The Reindeer” that compel you to begin gift wrapping with the enthusiasm of a pre-jaded mall Santa on a late November eve. Welcome to “Marshmellow World.” Population: all of us. Rating: A. According to movies, television, and the person writing this holiday album round-up, Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful time where Christmas trees must be risen, chocolate must be consumed, and walking quickly through a mall is done to the tune of “Run Rudolph Run.” According to their record, Tim and Emmy agree. And thank god they survived “Zombie Christmas.”

Sample track “Home For the Holidays”

Artist: Michael Buble Album: Christmas Concept: Nothing beats a good Christmas croon, and thanks to the Ghost of Christmas Obvious, Michael Buble is aware of this. Rejecting the concept of being “hip,” M-Bubs takes on his greatest role yet and provides a holiday album defined by a chorus of girls, a brand new “Santa Baby” and the breathtaking “Cold December Night” that is ideal for sipping on a glass of $9 merlot and wearing Santa pajama pants if you are either over 42 or really confident in yourself. Rating: B. One point loss for the following exchange: “Merry Christmas, ladies!” – “Merry Christmas, Mr. Buble!”

Sample track “Santa Baby”

Artist: Various Album:This Warm December: Brushfire Holiday Volume 2 Concept: According to the artists on this album, Christmas really needs to chill out and sit around a campfire strumming an acoustic guitar and just let the feelings happen. And who are we to argue? Maybe we’ve got it all wrong with our fireplaces and stockings. Maybe we should just retire to the forest, sockless, and ready to hang our Birkenstocks up for the Santa-Man to fill with seashell necklaces and button-ups. Rating: C+. Mellow! Smooth! “How did I end up wearing this reindeer swag?” asks Zach Gill, performer of “Party Hard.” Where is Andrew WK when you need him?

Sample track Zach Gill – “Party Hard”

Artist: Chicago Album: Chicago XXXIII: O Christmas Three Concept: Parents need Christmas, too. And that is exactly the mindset Chicago chose to record with, having headed into the studio to reclaim the holiday formerly reserved for pesky little children and their weird beliefs. Offering some “real banging gems” like “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree” and “Jingle Bells,” the holidays can finally break free of the pressure to be chart-worthy or remotely sophisticated. (And somewhere, Diana Krall is weeping.) Rating: C –. Like the guest who brings side dishes despite your holiday party not being a pot luck, Chicago offers us a Christmas gift we didn’t particularly ask for, will maybe try, and then probably return.

Sample track “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”

Artist: Carole King Album: A Holiday Carole Concept: Unfortunately, and contrary to popular belief, Carole King’s holiday music is hardly an ode to that scene in The Office when Michael refers to his girlfriend as “his Christmas Carole.” But that didn’t stop the adult contemporary legend from spreading her holiday wings and flying high, inviting us into her waiting room-appropriate world that still manages to eclipse Mariah’s 2010 Christmas offering. Dentist offices need Christmas music, too. Rating: C. You haven’t heard “Carol of the Bells” until you’ve heard King’s kind-of a capella version, and while it hardly evokes the magic of Kevin McAllister preparing his home for the wrath of the Wet Bandits, it provides just enough intrigue to make you press “next.”

Sample track “Christmas In the Air”