Music

THIS EXISTS: Beyoncé's dad turns rap songs about dicks into kids' songs about kicks (shoes!)

by Tyler Munro

Every week, This Exists uncovers and explores musical peculiarities that exist in the dark corners of the internet, sometimes just outside the mainstream. This week we’ll take a look at Kids Rap Radio, a sort of urban Kidz Bop equivalent (weird that they wouldn’t spell kids with a ‘Z’, eh?) which turns rap songs about dongs and butts and turns them into rap songs about candy and shoelaces. Oh, and it’s all spearheaded by Beyoncé’s (did I do the accents right?) dad and ex-manager. Some insight into why she fired him, maybe?

Matthew Knowles is perhaps best known as the father and manager of R&B superstar Solange, but he’s also kind of a creative genius. To explain, let’s read a few lyrics, shall we?

“Hey Bitch! Wait ’til you see my dick. I’m a beat that pussy up”

Now, reading these, your first thought probably isn’t, “I wonder what the Yin Yang Twins would sound like if they wrote raps for kids,” and that’s why Matthew Knowles is a genius and you’re probably just a normal level of smart. Matthew Knowles didn’t think kids should be left without the compositional mastery of the likes of Chingy, Bow Wow and D4L just because of a couple hundred swears. That’s why he went to work and ended up putting out the Kids Radio Rap series of albums.

Matthew Knowles knows (say that three times fast) the music industry inside and out, which explains why he turned a song about whipping your dick out into a song about a fresh pair of shoes. Kicks, if you will. It explains why he turned a song about shaking one’s Laffy Taffy (which is silly and nonsensical) into a tune about liking Laffy Taffy (because Laffy Taffy is delicious!). But how did he do it?

Well, the success of Kids Rap Radio is largely thanks to a young Steven Wash JR, a rapper slash actor slash dancer (probably) who’s perhaps best known for his role as Young Turk on Scrubs and for playing someone in the latest Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry’s Madea movie. Wash was 8 when the first batch of Kids Rap Radio songs came out. Now 13, he’s still rapping, dishing out his own versions of “Black and Yellow” (see below, ps: told you he was probably a dancer) and “Teach Me How to Dougie” because, I mean, why not?

“But what other songs got rapped by 8 year olds,” you’re probably asking.

How about Busta Rhymes’ “Touch It” and Chingy’s “Right Thurr,” both of which are uncomfortably close to the originals, or “What You Know,” which sounds like the original T.I. cut played after eating a heavy dose of horse tranquilizers.

As for who’d listen to such a thing, one need not look any further than the following review from Kids Radio Rap Volume 1/2‘s Amazon page. And I quote, “I host afternoon dance parties for parents and their kids… This is music that both the kids and the parents can groove to.”

There’s more to the review, but honestly, why bother? That says it right there. Check the Amazon page for song samples. Trust me when I say 30 second snippets are probably more enough.