Music

A guide to becoming a successful ticket scalper

by Barry Taylor

Ticket Scalpers are a rare breed. They’re the crack whores of the concert world; no one really wants to solicit them but sometimes you don’t have a choice. What’s worse is apparently they’ve begun recruiting today’s youth. The following was transcribed from the Ticket Scalpers Handbook that was distributed at a recent high school job fair just outside of a major North American city.

The Keys to Becoming a Successful Ticket Scalper

Step 1: Drop Out of School

If you’ve made it through grade seven math, you’re more than qualified to take on the numeric challenges that come with ticket scalping. Educations are for people that have a legitimate purpose on the planet and can offer something of value to humanity. You’re a ticket scalper, fuck da books.

Step 2: Assemble a Uniform

When it comes to your outerwear you’ll want to rock clothing that’s covered in logos from one of the following genres:

i. Sports – Adding some local team flare to an event is a great way to showcase your dedication to the city and your craft. Hey guys, tonight I’ve got third row for Arcade Fire and tomorrow I’ll be your connection to see the Argos.

ii. Beer – Concert goers are there to have a good time. Wearing a hat, shirt and/or sunglasses featuring a beer logo is a classy way to show that you’re a guy that likes to party too.

iii. Bart Simpson – These shirts are hilarious and act as a natural ice breaker when approaching potential customers. I’ve got floor seats, Aye Carumba!

For pants there’s two options:

1. Joggers – There are few professions that allow for draw-strung leggings, you better believe this is one of them. It’s one of the perks that comes with no one respecting you. Enjoy the freedom.

2. Nut Huggers – If you’re going to wear jeans make sure they’re tight enough to firmly frame your balls. It’s rock and roll baby, showcase your bulge! If you have a small dick, which you do, be sure to hike the waistline above your belly to get some extra lift.

Step 3: The Hip Sack

The hip sack is a mandatory accessory for any scalper looking to make the big bucks.

The origin of the garment can be traced back to a 1985 Whitesnake concert in Orlando. Legendary ticket scalper Benny Thumbs was rocking jeans so tight that his pockets literally became vacuum sealed.

In a moment of divine inspiration Benny clubbed an elderly woman and used her purse to hold his cash and tickets. The purse strap was broken during the tilt but that didn’t stop ol’ Benny. In a flash of genius the wily veteran wrapped the strap around his waist like a belt and let the bag dangle on his side.

The elderly woman eventually succumb to her head injuries, but with her death came the birth of a timeless fashion trend. Circle of life.

Step 4: Learn the Subtleties

There must always be something happening with you mouth. You can dangle cigarettes, lit or not, toothpicks work too. If you can’t get a hold of either, chew newspaper.

Mouth action suggests that you’re in a rush and don’t have time to haggle. It’s the original Jedi-Scalper mind trick.

Step 5: The Catch Phrase

A ticket scalper is only as good as his catch phrase. There’s three basic calls that can be used…

1. “Who’s buyin’, Who’s sellin’?”

With this phrase you’re showing potential buyers that you’re loose. You might buy, you might sell, who knows? You’re just an average guy that was passing by with a few dozen tickets to a sold out event and you’ve got no friends. You just want to be included.

2. “I got two!”

Two what? It doesn’t matter. The mystery of the statement is it’s strength.

3. “Tickets, who needs tickets?”

This is old school. No messing around, nothing convoluted, just straight up scalping. A phrase reserved for the purist.

Choosing a phrase is a big decision but the most important part is figuring out how that statement will be delivered. Are you the kind of scalper that stands on a corner and yells or do you bob and weave throughout the crowd and go with the more personal approach? Do you incorporate a sign of some sort or are you illiterate?

Listen, anyone can flood an online sale, scoop up the best available seats before most real fans have a chance to, and then re-sell those tickets with an elegance that’s usually reserved for sodomy. That’s nothing new. It’s how the ass-raping is executed that determines greatness.

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